Life is tough.... Now what are you gonna do about it?

I spent a lot of my life complaining. Who hasn't.

If you know me, you know that I am pretty much an open book when it comes to my life. I have nothing to hide, and if I do, I just don't tell you about it. But mostly, I am an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know who and what I care about.

In the last year, I have changed. A LOT. I have become mean, vindictive and spiteful. Three things I had always prided myself on NOT being. As a child, I was bright, bubbly, inquisitive, imaginative, helpful and kind. The older I got, I soon discovered sarcasm, and used it often as a protective shield against the world and those things that I was afraid of. Did I just say that in the past tense? Allow me to rephrase... I use it often against things I am afraid of. Lately, I have realized that I am cantankerous, short tempered and petty.

Even as I sit here typing, I try to pass this off as someone else' fault. If only Soandso was not a part of my life, or if Whatshisname had never broken my heart, or, IfonlyIhad/hadn't made X choice..... I find it hard in remembering that I make my own choices to be who/what I want to be. No one else makes that decision for me. ME.

Life is hard, and full of foolish mistakes; whether they be what you allow to affect you and you attitude, or whether we allow someone to use us in a negative manner, or going where we want to in life or being too passive to make the choices that ultimately make the ME happy and contented in life.

I constantly find myself making choices in what and how something affects me. Lately, I have taken the lazy, easy, passive route which ultimately make things (read:life) harder than necessary. I have let things in my life that I have NO control over take ME over and harden me into a less caring, angry individual. Instead of looking to the positive, and letting these things roll off of my back, I have let them gather into a chip on my shoulder.

Life is tough, so what are you going to do about it?

I heard this some where at some point in my life, and it didn't apply to me then, so I apparently stored it up to use when it did apply to me; and I have referenced it to myself a lot in the last 5 years, but till now, rarely applied it to my daily decisions.

Life is tough, so why make it harder on yourself by choosing to gather the negative in a burden to carry on you back?

Well, there's today's random thought.

Hope you have a sunshiney, summery day!

11 months? What?????

As of 3:11am, my daughter will be 11 months old.

I spent all weekend long revisiting the day I went into labour, giving birth and many other moments through out my pregnancy. As I remember these once in a lifetime moments in my life, I felt that I should share these with everyone.

THE:
two tests I took before I realized it was real.....
hearing her heart beat for the first time. It sounded like a metal "thunder" board.
first time I felt that "flutter", and realized that it wasn't a muscle spasm.
first time I smelled something that made me want to barf.... pork baby back ribs....and enjoyed it.
trying to squeeze into my "fat jeans" only to happily realize, I needed to purchase maternity pants.
seeing and feeling her move while watching the ultrasound.
19 week and 4 day ultrasound that told us "ITS A GIRL!!!"
watching Brian jumping off the chair, punching the air and yelling "YES!!!"
first stretch mark.
round belly that I couldn't keep my hands off of.
seeing a little foot, hand and elbow pushing out of my side.
little fingers or toes in my ribs at any time during the day or night.
HEARTBURN!!
Sciatica so bad I would lose strength in my legs to stand.
birth class...... it was.... interesting to say the least...... oh those two idiots........ and the ones of questionable age.....
wanting and almost making of chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies at 3am... then......
rush I felt at 5am, thinking I peed myself.
laughing at Brian when he handed me a washcloth to soak up the amniotic fluid..........
humor of watching Brian running around the house trying to repack my bag.
him yelling "Why are you so calm?" then looking at the dog, "Why are you just sitting there??"
calling the labour and delivery ward, asking to take a shower and them laughing at me.
22 hours of labour
hearing Brian say that he was getting a promotion at work.
dose of Nubain that felt like 3 glasses of wine with out the neurological side affects.... it was amazing.
being so happy that I would be delivering with the OB I had been seeing since she was on call.
hating and then LOVING my final delivery nurse cause she wasn't as cheerful as the rest.
sudden rush of "Alright, lets start." at 230am on July 7th.
45 minutes of pushing before they laid the most beautiful baby girl on my chest.
hearing her cry for the first time.
crying because it was the happiest moment in my life.
kissing my husband, who was so supportive, and so tender to me during the whole process.


There is nothing in the world like the first few moments after you have given birth. Those are moments you will cherish for the rest of your life. Even now, I am almost brought to tears thinking about that day.

In one month, my daughter, the love of my life, will be one year old. I am in awe. I am sad. I am scared. I am breathless. I am in love.

She is beautiful and growing so quickly. I don't want to miss one moment.

Women v. Men in the Metabolism Dept.

Its a little bit after midnight, and I find myself up thinking, as usual, about my weight. But this time its a little different. I am thinking about my households diet habits.

I watched a little clip from Jillian Michael's "Lose it with Jillian" show on her website, and it shows the difference between using a little bit of Pam Cooking Spray and using Olive/Vegetable/Cooking oil and how heavy and bad for you it is. This set me off thinking about how I eat and how my hubs eats as well.

If you have met my husband, you will know that he is NOT overweight in any sense of the word. He is fairly tall (6') and somewhere around 170lbs. Not an extra pound on him. However: he lives a lifestyle like someone who is over weight. He eats fast food, fries everything, and eats pretty unhealthily unless I am home cooking for him. (I have had to show him how to make a energy filled lunch for work before. He didn't understand the phrase "empty calories".) And his exercise extends as far as the end of the day bell for work. Mind you, his job is incredibly physically demanding, yet he does not exert the effort out side of work to exercise. (NOTE: I am not dogging him about not exercising, I am simply making a point, so bear with me.)

Brian and I have basically the same diet and exercise level, yet, I pack on the lbs, where he, just stores a couple extra that he could burn off with one day of riding his dirt bike or a week of doing some sit ups. Why is this? What is the difference between man and woman that causes women to store our body fat instead of burning through it like men do?

I have a theory. We are supposed to be busier then our men. Think about it. 100 years ago, even if men were working construction or something, women were running around after the kids, cooking, cleaning and generally keeping order of our households, and it didn't stop when the husband came home. It continued, making sure he was taken care of as well. Here is another theory: labour. It makes so much sense. At the base of our physical purpose, women are made to procreate. A 1000 years ago, that's all women were for, makin babies. (No hating on this, its true and we all know it.) YES, society has since changed, but our bodily functions have not. Having bore a beautiful baby girl last year, I realized that my metabolism has slowed down. I believe it is because, now that my body knows that I am of child bearing ability, it knows it needs to start storing up energy reserves for me.

If you add the first 2 theories together, you will get my final theory: that our bodies are supposed to burn more, there for it stores more so we can stay reasonably healthy and energetic to keep up with the demands of our families. Makes so much sense to me.

Well, that is my random, silly thought for the day on weight. Probably makes no sense to anyone else but me. :D Oh well. This is probably nothing new to anyone else, but the thought was crossing my mind as I got ready to head to bed.

I hope you have a busy, calorie burning day tomorrow, and lots of lovely relaxing dreams tonight!

Sex, Jealousy, and their impact on relationships.

Today I talked to my mother-in-law for about 45 minutes, which, while its not that unusual, I found myself wishing I would just shut up, but couldnt stop myself. And as I am writing, I realize, that I kept talking because I felt the need to connect with another human being on a deep, emotional level, and she happened to be there at the right moment, and was someone I was comfortable enough with for me to do so.

The human need for emotional connection with other humans, is something that is complicated and has been confusing the human population since the dawn of time. Adam needed something more than physical company, he needed another human being to connect with.

My MIL and I got on to the topic of relationships to ex's, and how it is a natural thing to feel jealous when our ex's move on, regardless of whether or not we have. I know that when one of my ex's finally started steadily dating one girl almost 4 years after we split, I felt insanely jealous, and I know that when my last ex prior to my husband finally dates and marries someone else, I will feel that familiar twinge of jealousy. Its almost as if we are saying "how dare you! How could you move on and be happy after me?" Its not that we dont want them to be happy, its just a normal feeling. As a born and bred Christian, I was taught that we were not intended to date multiple people and then subsequently have sex with multiple people. There is an emotional connection to anyone we are that intimate with that you will not have with those whom you do not/have not had sex with. Sex simply complicates things. We all know its true. No one can deny it, even those who are serial "wam!-bam!-thankyoumaa'am-ers". Regardless of how you feel about sex, it will alway complicate any relationship you have. But I believe it is particularly hard for those who have procreated with a significant other. I know this one person, who had a child with someone, and then several years later, they split up. It took the other party a while before settling down and begining to date someone new, but once they did, the first person became, (from my outside perspective,) insanely jealous and has since done almost anything possible to make life for their ex as difficult as possible, and by doing so, trying to split them and their new partner up. Now the first party moved on, several times infact, but felt that that was alright.

In what way is this ok?

Now, I am saying again, IT IS OK TO FEEL A LITTLE JEALOUS. Just don't act on it. It is normal, considering we were never intended to have multiple partners in the first place. Shakespeare calls jealousy the" Green-Eyed Monster". The philosopher annd founder of Pennsylvania, William Penn, said, "The jealous are troublesome to others, and a torment to themselves." Jealousy only makes your own life a living hell. People can become so blinded by jealousy that they do not even realize how unhappy they are.

Fine Frenzy's song, Almost Lover, "I never wanna see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me."

People who are unhappy, don't want to see those around them happy, because it forces them to realize how unhappy they are.

Maya Angelou had this to say on the subject: "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."

I like to research things and in researching this, I found someone who had said it better than I could, so instead of paraphrasing, I will let you read what they wrote. This is what the Bible has to say on the matter:

"The Bible tells us that we are to have the perfect kind of love that God has for us. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The more we focus on ourselves and our own desires, the less we are able to focus on God. When we harden our hearts to the truth, we cannot turn to Jesus and allow Him to heal us (Matthew 13:15). But when we allow the Holy Spirit to control us, He will produce in us the fruit of our salvation, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). " (http://www.gotquestions.org/jealousy-bible.html)

Well I think that pretty well sums it up.

This ended up going in fifty different directions. So, I will stop for now.

Have a sparkly, love filled day!

Someday, we will only just remember how it feels.

I was on my way home from a quick bite with a couple of friends, when Rob Thomas' "Someday" came on the radio. It was the first time I had heard the song and it was rather poignant and relative to my life as of late. So of course I did 1 of 2 things: 1) I looked up the lyrics. 2)I pulled Rob Thomas up on a play list. Reading through the lyrics, I was touched and it got me thinking about life and choices, life and circumstances and life and relationships.

Here are lyrics from "Someday" and "Little Wonders", both of which are performed by Rob Thomas:

Someday

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

[Chorus:]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

[Chorus]

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again



Little Wonders

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

Both of these songs reminded me of people around me and their circumstances in life; people who have lost their husbands, wives, sons, daughters, friends, to war, cancer, hate. People who are considering a change in relationship, whether it be divorce or marriage, moving from home, or moving back. People who are about to change their lives, whether through moving or going to school, graduating, or other choices. Some people starting over or ending a chapter in their lives.

It's interesting to me to see how everyone in my life is making some sort of change. I can see it, feel it in the air. There must be something in the water, because its everywhere. I know for myself, change has been a long time coming, and I am facing a lot of change, some met with obstacles, others a smile and a word of encouragement. I am working on changing my lifestyle in many ways: the way I eat, to exercise more, those I spend time with, the way I approach situations and people, and admitting to myself that I have a serious case of postpartum depression. For me that is a difficult realization. I was raised to believe that depression was a personal weakness and that "its all in your head" and that its a choice to be depressed, and then having those who said this previously, changing their tune and deciding its ok to be on antidepressants. Very confusing for a young teenager. Going from weakness to "you must have PPD" is a hard about-face. It makes my head spin. Anyway, I know that I do have PPD and that it is something very real and can easily escalate into a very serious issue. But I know I have it, and am dealing with it in my own way. It is difficult to admit something like that though. It makes me feel almost defeated on a daily basis. Its been difficult also because I really don't have anyone to turn to that knows how to help me or support me. I have my husband, but he is a guy, and has no idea how to deal with emotions. I don't have anyone else who really understands a fraction of how I feel other than him though. My family has its own issues, and I barely get a chance to talk to them, and most of my friends either don't have kids or are married, or have their own babies to deal with of course. GO figure. :D

Well, enough of that.

Listening to these two songs just made me realize that, even though I know people who are going through crazy patches in their lives, and though I may feel it, I am not alone in feeling the way I do about life. It helps me to think of it that way, that there are people who read my posts on Facebook, who are silently supporting me and praying for me in their own way, just the same as I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, silently supporting them, even though I may not say so.

The lyrics of these two songs remind me that every thing is temporary: the craziness of life, the stresses and complication. That eventually they even them selves out and that:

"Someday, We'll figure all this out. We'll put an end to all our doubt. Try to find a way to just feel better now and Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud, We'll be better off somehow, Someday."

So,

"let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. don't you know the hardest part is over let it in, let your clarity define you. In the end, we will only just remember how it feels."

Mistakes.

I have made some mistakes in my life. Who hasn't, right? But where is the line when you finally realize that the mistakes you are making or have made, are just that, and that there is no lesson in them?

My life has been a complicated mess since the day I was born. I was taught that life is a mess, so I followed that pattern, and I have let my life be a mess. Isn't there a certain age when you stop just making mistakes and start learning from them? I'm 24, shouldn't I be smarter by now?

A child doesn't touch a hot stove top and then forget ten minutes later that they got burnt and that it hurt and then touch it again. Why do we do that emotionally? Why do we finally get around to stop doing the things or making choices that hurt us, only to turn around sometime later, and make the same choice or do the same thing again? Even when we know they will just hurt again, this time MORE? Why do we compromise our personal values for something that we know will just hurt us again and again with no regard for how we will feel in the long run? Certain animals are smarter than this; once an animal gets abused, they quickly become gun shy. So why don't we, (I)?

Why do we, I, do this?

Mistakes will be made, sometimes we learn from them, other times, we just live the rest of our lives regretting them. I am tired of making mistakes that I regret the moment I make them thinking that I am learning from them instead. I am just done. No more regrets, no more mistakes I continue to make over and over again.

Society, goverments and us as Americans.....

DISCLAIMER: This post is completely off base, I am sure, and after posting it, I am off to read my old sociology and civics books from college over again. I am completely ignorant to the way the government is run and the politics of it all. And as I am posting, I am realizing how much that I need to study up on it again. I wish I could go back to my civics class in high school. I don't understand or remember the basics of governments and the ethics of it all. Please no hateful or mean comments. Only informative and constructive if any at all, please.

"[Once we clue into the fact that life is finite, the thought of losing it shouldn't] scare us anymore. The end comes no matter what. What matters is how you want to go out: on your feet or on your knees." - quote revised from The Kingdom.

I hadn't watched this movie in about 7 months when I put it in a few nights ago. We know someone who lost her husband in Afghanistan last September. I absentmindedly put it in in October, with out thinking and couldn't finish more then 10 minutes of it. It hit home too closely for comfort having known quite a few people who are in the Middle East working, or, rather more specifically, knowing some one who was Killed In Action. Its a harsh reality when you basically ignored the fact that there was a war over there in the first place.

Its not that I am ignorant to that fact, its just that as Americans, many of us have created a bubble around ourselves. That bubble is too encompassing and it allows us a false sense of protection and infallibility. That we are indestructible, invincible, all powerful.

On the morning of September, 11, 2001, this bubble was burst. This was a scary day for all of us. Personally, I was sitting in my living room, watching the morning news as I tied my shoes. I specifically remember feeling in a daze, as I watched the 2nd plane hit on live television. Not many people in my school, (as I was a sophomore in high school,) really understood the seriousness of the situation. I knew it was a big deal, but, I was naive to the reality of it all. It was surreal. It didn't seem real to me. I just went about my day as if nothing happened, even though not one of my classes did anything that day but watch television. Across the nation, I know millions of others were doing the same as they went about their daily routines, pausing in banks, post offices, in stores, in their cars as they watched and listened to the days events, floating along in a fog; was this really happening?

Please don't think that this is a anti or pro war blog. Its not. Granted, I am anti war for the simple fact that I hate that people have to die because of their countries government, however, this is not a blog about war at all. It is about us as Americans and how and why we act to the rest of the world.

Most every other society in the world thinks we are all big fat idiots. Its the plain truth. At least those with the freedom to think, say and feel the way they want to do. Others still are programmed to think that we are the big Evil in the world; or rather that Westernization is, but most of the time, that means America.... Am I wrong?

As Americans, we seem to think we have some sort of superiority to the rest of the world. Why? Because we run a democracy? Because our homes are bigger? Because we are allowed to vote and are not persecuted for which way we vote? Does this make us better human beings? Does it keep us from the same corruption and depravity of other countries? The answer is a simple: No.

We are the youngest nation. Throughout history, there were new and powerful empires that thought they had the right to rule over the rest of the world, and each and every one of them crumbled. As Americans, it seems that we are in that exact position right now. Our economy is shot and has been that way for a long, long time now. People have been crying out against the government more than ever. Have we begun to be brought to our knees?

As ironic as it was, watching the movie "Team America: World Police" was pretty spot on for the way it defined us as thinking we were the Worlds police. It seems that every problem out there, we rush to help. Whether or not we are needed, or wanted. I want world peace as much as the next human being, but who says it is Americas place to enforce it?

I think that the answer lies more in society than it does in our government.

Well, I am off to study up and inform myself so I don't sound so ignorant. Wish me luck!

The soundtrack of my day.

I got a little bored this morning and put together a specific playlist for the day and decided to share it with you all.

Adele- Melt My Heart to Stone
A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover
Sara Bareilles- Many the Miles
Duffy- Warwick Avenue
Adele...Again...- Hometown Glory
Muse- Resistance
30 Seconds to Mars- A Beautiful Lie
Boxcar Racer- There Is
Five for Fighting- 100 Years
The Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet
Flogging Molly- If I Ever Leave this World Alive
Missy Higgins- Warm Whispers


Welp, there you have it. A random, miscellaneous list of songs I felt like listening to.

Tonight, Brian is taking me somewhere for my birthday. He has been planning this for at least two months, and I do not do well with suprises. If I know something is going to happen, I get really anxious, not in a nervous way, just in an "AAAARRRGH! Just tell me damnit!" kind of way. I can't stand it. I go just crazy. Well he seems to think that I have figured it out, and I may have, but honestly, for once I did't spend hours and hours trying to figure it out. I just want to be surprised. So we will see. All I know for sure it that I am to dress up, be ready by 5:30pm, reservations are at 7:00pm, we needed an overnight babysitter and we are going north....... Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Today is also a significant day for Le Bebe. She turns 10 months old today. The last 2 weeks, I have been clinging desperately to the fact that she was still in the single digits..... I am sure I will do that when she turns 10 years old as well.... I can not believe how quickly time has gone since I had her. My life has been on the fast track for the last 2.5 years and I am beyond ready for it to slow down. I met B, engaged, preggo, married, moved, birthed, all in 1.5 years, now I just keep super busy between being a wife, mommy, and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Its all backwards. I started on the right track, college right out of high school, but after a year and a half, I couldn't afford it, so I dropped out, and started working and moved into my own place(s). Add that to the list prior, and everything is out of order. Oh well, what can you do?

Well, this was a completely random post.

Go out and have a beautiful sunshiney day!

24 and just another day....

Well, today is my 24Th birthday.

Every year it strikes me as odd that regardless of what I do or don't have planned and how good or bad the year prior was, I always have the highest of expectations for the day. Its so silly and every year I am disappointed in some way.

Why do we do that? I know I am not alone. Tell me you don't think its just going to be the most fabulous of days? No one realistically wakes up on their birthday and goes, "I just know this is going to be a shit day". Nope, people (usually) wake up with a smile on their heart, hoping someone will know that it is their special day and will do something just for them.

Now don't get me wrong, I had a lovely day. A couple of let downs, but nothing so major that I am swearing off my birthday for the next year, (Don't laugh too hard, I did that for basically 5 years running).

This year was pretty nice. Got a lot of calls, a lot of emails (read: posts on my Facebook wall) and more cards than I have received in the last 4 years combine. But there were a couple things that I just felt let down about.

I am currently, well, I guess you can say "fighting" with a couple of people whom I am especially close to. I received 2 cards from them; one for my first Mothers day and the other for my birthday. Reading the cards, I guess I should just know, but there was no "Dear Selena" or "Love you!" or even a handwritten "Happy Birthday!" It was just signed "X". It just felt so impersonal. I had cards from my work and my old pastor that were more intimate than these cards were. It hurt. It hurt more receiving them than if they hadn't sent anything at all. And someone else, whom I am pretty close to, I saw today and spoke to several times, yet, that person never once said "Happy Birthday". Oh well, I guess you cant win them all.

Here is my question. Why do we put such hope and expectation into our birthdays? We are simply setting ourselves up for disappointment, or, if not this year, possibly a bigger let down the following year.

Though I know it is just another day, I always expect more from it. If I could just approach it as if it were nothing, I couldn't be let down at all, right. Bah! I will try for this next year....

That really is asking for trouble though, huh? Oh well! Ha ha!

Have a completely normal, if not boring, regular old day. ;D

One, Month, Lat-uhr

Pardon the reference to Spongebob, apparently my humor these days consists of quoting lines from movies and t.v. shows. Haha!

So, as I implied, its been a while since I last posted, and I felt it was high time for a new one. In keeping with my diet, I have lost an additional 5lbs since my last post, making it a total of 20lbs. Having been insanely busy with the show I was in, "once Upon a Mattress", I havent stuck to my diet very well, scarfing down food when I had the chance, not alway being the best choices; i.e. fast food, junk food, Red Bull (sugar free of course). Yet I still managed to lose a little.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships and body image lately. Having overheard a conversation someone had, I felt the need to engage in a touchy subject for many people dealing with obesity, weight gain, body image issues and eating disorders.

I overheard someone say that they planned to lose a large amount of weight and that, once they did, the person they had feelings for would realize hidden feelings for them. Now, this brings to mind three relationships I have had over the last 6 years. The first, I was rather thin, or, more specifically, much thinner than I am now. The second, I started out just as thin, but due to various things in my life, gain in all, 65lbs. A depressing number to me, thus being my goal to lose. The last, and present, I started out at 180 and have fluctuated (due to pregnancy) between that and 160lbs (my current weight). I want to address not the weight I gained neccesarily, but the quality of relationships that I had in this time.

The first, was, I feel, purely superficial, and not a great relationship. Nor was it bad, but I felt compared to this guys previous girlfriend a lot, who was beautiful and thin. The next, I started out thin, but quickly gained 10-20lbs in a matter of 6 months. I did not notice my weight gain, until I was several sizes larger than before. Being as my weight as a issue to me, I was greatly depressed over this, yet failed to do anything about it, and continued gaining weight. This relationship was the worst of all. Having been the second person this guy had ver dated, I was most certainly compared to his ex girlfriend on a daily basis, considering that she never went over a size 5, (as far as he told me, on several occasions). This relationship quickly lost momentum, and for a while, I believed I could "win" him back if only I lost the weight that I had gained, which by the end of the relationship, was close to 55lbs. I did not realize that, it wasn't neccesarily my weight, though I am sure that was a factor to his unattraction towards me at some point, but my attitude, and my behaviour.

THe final, and current relationship, being with my husband, Brian, has been the best of all, though, as all relationships go, we still have our issues. But not one of them comes in the form of body imagery in any way. I do not feel pressure from him about my weight, though I have fluctuated a bit in the 2 1/2 years we have been together. But the factor that is different in our relationship compared to the two previous: attitudes. Attitudes and expectations all around. Though he as well, had a thin ex-girlfriend prior to meeting me, he understood that body image is not what makes a quality relationship, and I finally understood that as well.

I no longer believe that if I became a magic number on the scale, immediately, a relationship would get better. Its the attitude that one gains from negative feelings and/or life experiences. I had to stop thinking that my weight had anything to do with the demise or success of my relationships. Women all around this world feel pressure more now than ever about gaining or loosing weight. Though, lately I have seen subtle changes in society's perception of what makes a beautiful woman, herion chic was the standard for many years.

Size 12 in 1950: Bust 30, Waist 24, Hip 33.
Size 12 in 2010: Bust 39, Waist 31, Hip 41.

What does that say about todays standard of woman? That the number on the size you wear is more important of the woman that you are?

I’d rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life. Drew Barrymore

The one noticeable similarity with almost all serial killer victims is their short height and low weight. Pat Brown

I’m fat, but I’m thin inside. …There’s a thin man inside every fat man. George Orwell

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. Stephen Phillips

There are so many different views on weight loss/gain. Those who want to be thin advocate to be thinner, those what are thin advocate that being fat is disgusting and unhealthy, those who are overweight say that fat is beautiful, even re-wording it "curvy" or "more to love". I myself have been guilty of saying this on numerous occasions, but you know what? I realized that it simply enabled me to just brush off how unhealthy I had become.



Well, There's my thoughts for the day. Just felt the need to share.

Love and Light!!

VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, scatch that last post about being discouraged. Get this: I. Lost. 15 lbs!!!!!!!


Just wanted to share.

Have a beautiful Sunshiney day!!!

Remember: Little steps.

Today, I felt very discouraged. Not about anything in particular. All I wanted to do was go back to bed, yet, having a baby literally makes that impossible. Oh well. I woke up feeling pretty good, just tired and sore from my work out yesterday. That quickly changed after checking my email. Reading through, unfortunately, made me feel so down, realizing how difficult life can be. It can be incredibly difficult to be positive when things, little things or big things, keep getting through. Even though I lost a pant size, I still dont feel like I am getting anywhere.

I had the BEST rehearsal yet to date for the show I am in. I went off stage the wrong way on accident and the director yelled to go the other way once I was off, so I (jokingly) danced and leaped across and everyone was cracking up, including the director who was JUST yelling at me. She said to keep it and I felt awesome! I had gone into rehearsal feeling crappy because I had a migraine, but I ended up breaking down and took some migraine medication. I am so glad I did. This one girl whom I do not particularly like didnt show to rehearsal YET again (well, she is usually SUPER late) and so my other partner and I just took over her parts. I felt really great about them tho. Things are looking SO up right now!

Since I was SUPER on fire from rehearsal I went to the gym with my friend Steven and worked out for about an hour. It was another AWESOME thing in my day. Saw my friend Jackie whom I hadnt seen since Halloween. Aand THEN.... I actually was able to sustain an actual JOG for more than 3-4 minutes at a time! I went 15 straight then had to cool it down. Between the giant breasticles, asthma, and shoddy ankle, I usually stop and start every couple of minutes. It went really well for a first "real" work out in over a year, (and my first since baby)!

Well, off to shower and hit the hay, (or is it roll in the hay? ;D haha!) with hubby before he wake up at an unGodly hour for work.

Huge love everyone! Remember to take baby steps when you are picking yourself up; balance is everything!

Well.... that was...... interesting.

I went to the gym today for the first time in FOREVER! It felt great. I just wish I didn't feel so damned self conscious while I was there. I hate it. I've always felt so dumb when I am there. Its so frustrating. i wish I could go and work out and sincerely not care what people think. It would be glorious.

Moving on.... :D It felt awesome though. I am doing a trial there to see how it is before I commit to one. I am going to try LA Fitness too, but Sound Body Fitness is just more convenient for me since it is near by.

I came up with this theory tonight while I was thinking about the gym and the new health care bill that just passed (simultaneously I might add. haha!): I think that Health Insurance Companies should cover physical fitness as well(gym memberships). It could be classified under preventative care. Think about it. Obesity is now considered a disease, and along with obesity, there are many health issues that come up that don't when you are at an appropriate weight for your body. For example: diabetes. It often hits those who are over weight, and yet, if the obesity caused it, it could be prevented, correct? Instead of possibly spending thousands a month on prescription drug costs, why not spend maybe a Thousand on gym memberships per year or two to help prevent this from happening? It would work the same as going to a physical therapist or doctor, just provide your insurance information, and 'Voila! Preventative care. You don't go, that's your fault, but it makes total sense to me. It would be covered the same, you'd pay your insurance and what ever "co-pay" they come up with but that could be the month to month cost while they pay pay the "start ups". Lets lobby it. Who's with me!! :D

Well, that was my thought for the day.

Have a wonderful night, sleep tight and remember to kiss the ones you love.

Woo! New Jeans!

Well, things are starting to kick off. I am pretty excited right now. I absolutely HAD to buy new jeans today. My old ones have way too many holes. What is the fashion industry's fascination with jeans that already had 50 holes in them? Its ridiculous. Give me a month and a brand new pair, I will have that many. Its just dumb! Anyway, so I bought new levi's and Behold! A solid size 11! I have some love handles and a bit of baby belly that I am still working off, but Everywhere else? Perfection. That's to my long time friend Jesse for helping me find a pair. I usually get discouraged before I even walk into the store and just buy the first thing that sort of fits. I tried on three, but immediately liked these ones.

I have been keeping up on my work out routine pretty well. Yoga or Pilate's when I first get up after feeding the babe, then meditate before bed with a bit of yoga in there when I need a little pick me up. I am going to start trying out some gyms with a few friends so I will get a lot of cardio and some weight lifting in there as well. I feel pretty good. Still have a couple of weeks until I go Gluten\Dairy free, and I think Brian will be doing it as well. He has been talking about eating healthier also, so It will be great to not have to buy 2 separate set of groceries just because I am on a diet. So That will be awesome. We have been thinking that he is intolerant to Dairy for quite a while. So hopefully we will start feeling better together!

Love and Light!

Its finally catching up to me

I am so exhausted. I think the stress and lack of sleep just hit me about 10 minutes ago, and all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I am so thankful that babies nap for a few hours in the middle of the day, just so I can get things done, but today, I just want to sleep. Which sucks because I want to get some stuff cleaned up for Brian when He gets home. Maybe a half an hour wont kill me......

I recorded the cutest video of Charlii today. I have been trying to teach her to eat cheerios, and today, she kinda got it. She would grab a handful, show her whole fist in her mouth, and lick her fingers until ultimately, she was sucking on her thumb and the cheerios were down her front. Eventually, she figured out that the cheerios needed to be put in her mouth and not in her fist, and her face was priceless! She would flare her nostrils and make this face that said, "Ew!". I think she was confused as to why they didnt just mush in her mouth on impact! hahaha!! It was so fun. I cant wait to show it to Brian. He will love it.

Woke up late today, 930am, and still have yet to work out. Hmmmm...... Maybe nap then work out a little, then clean.... Brian should be home by then.........

I am loving my week off! I missed my family!

Pila-what??

Well, I stepped up and started doing a different Pilates work out. This one is freaking hard. But my favorite thing about working out is the refreshing albeit painful burn you feel after. It is the best feeling. You feel so alive, on fire, and totally amped to keep going.

Starting a different diet today as well. This is just to keep me going until the beginning of April, when I switch to Dairy/Gluten free. I love food, and watching what and when I eat is honestly really annoying and really hard. I'm a fat ass at heart and food is my kryptonite. Especially if it is ridiculously Delicious! My down fall is comfort foods. They get me every time. Creamy and chunky soups, anything with meltey cheese, salty, chocolaty. Ugh! Its a bit ridiculous! My friend Katie, is one of the best cooks, and Anytime she makes something, I find it really hard to say no. And she is the healthiest/skinniest person I know. Her whole family is incredibly healthy. Her hubby, sticks to his diet NO MATTER what. She even cooks differently for him. I wish I could do that. If I go on a diet, it is likely Brian will be also, just because he hates buying two separate types of groceries. We'll see how this goes in April! Haha!

Well, Off to get the baby up from her nap!

Big time FAIL!

So I have not posted for just over a month. I have been so ridiculously busy between Once Upon a Mattress Rehearsals, work, playing housekeeper and administrative/legal assistant, planning a fundraiser,looking into a job/school, MaryKay and trying spend time with my husband and daughter...... I have barely had time to breathe.

Yet, REPRIEVE!!! I have NO REHEARSAL FOR 8 DAYS!!!! I will be spending the days HOME and being mommy and wifey again. I have missed my daughter and hubby so so so much. I see my daugher during the day, but I miss her at night. I havent bathed her in over a month! ( Before you go, "EW!!!" my hubby has been doing it, most likely not as often as I'd prefer, but he IS a guy. :D ) But spend time with Brian, forget about it. I see him for about an hour a day if I am lucky. I am spending every minute with then for the next week. I have only 4-ish weeks till rehearsal is over and Opening week is HERE! One month till I am home free!

SO. I obviously have to revamp my diet and exercise regimine. Starting April Fools Day, I will be attempting to go Gluten free for the first time. I am allergic to some many things out there, and from talking to friends and familly who are gluten free, I really would like to see how it helps me. I have rresearched studies and opinions about it and many say it will help with weight loss, and over all health. I lost 7 lbs on the beginning of my first diet and then plateau'd since I got so busy/stressed/overwhelmed. So Now I have 45 days to lose 20 lbs. That is my goal. I will be going gluten/dairy free for these 45 days.

Wish me luck!

All things beautiful

Its almost 2AM and I am so over this not being able to sleep thing. Even when I am exhausted, I find my self awake doing absolutely nothing but reading or thinking or just random things.

It's silly how ever since the Grammys, everyone is raving about P!nks song "Glitter in the Air", but it's one of her best songs. I cried when I first heard it on the album. It is such a beautiful song. It always makes me think back to when my hubby and I first met, and that gentle glow of a new relationship. You can get so caught up in life and forget how important that tenderness is.



It's Valentines week and I find myself thinking how long Brian and I have been together. Not very long, 2 1/2 years, married 1 year and 2 months. It seems like an eternity though some days, in both good and bad ways, haha! We really have been through the test and so far, we've passed. Not to say that it has been easy; there are a some days when I wanna dunk his head in the toilet and flush a few times. :D But for the most part, I have no idea what I would do with out him. He is my best friend, my lover and my rock. We even each other out pretty well, we are opposites in JUST the right places. And our personalities and sense of humor are "spot on", haha! Some times I forget to be grateful that God gave me such a gift; I get so used to complaining about life, I forget to look at what I have. God truly blessed me with an amazing man. He puts up with me and I couldn't have asked for a more loving father for my daughter. He may not always know the perfect words to say, but his heart is alway in everything he does for me, and I know, no one would ever love me better. I know how completely corny that is, but I don't care, Its just how I feel! :D

Someone I know lost their spouse last year in the war over seas, and I can't imagine if I were in that persons shoes. One minute, you feel like you have everything, and the next, one of the most important people in your life is ripped away from you. It reminds you how precious and fragile life is. How quickly it can be taken away. You can be 85 years old or 25, it doesnt matter when your number is up, it just will come one day.

One of my favorite quotes is "Life is not a Dress Rehearsal". And that is so true. Dont spend your life saying someday...... but say TODAY!!! "You never know whats comin for ya."-the curious case of benjamin button. Live your life to the fullest and never regret having regrets. You wouldn't be who you are today if you didnt have to learn some tough lessons along the way. You have to have your heart broken to know what love truly is.

So this week, whether you are in a relationship or not, find the people who you care for most in this world, and make sure you tell them how much they mean to you.

That's all for now. Good night! <3

Memory lane and seriously?!?!?

Well! I said I would post again today, so here I am.

Today was such a great day. It was beautiful and sunny, and my family got some really fantastic news, which was so desperately needed after all the craziness that has been our lives for the last year. That made it such a fabulous day. I love days when you are in a fantastic mood for absolutely no reason at all, and can't stop smiling. You feel like an idiot, but then something wonderful happens and it just keeps getting better. Guess that's helping with the whole Positive goal I've been working on.

It just seems like the last year of everyone life around me has just been so ridiculously dramatic; including my own. I resolved to come into 2010 with low expectations, because I went into 2009 with incredibly high ones and was so disappointed by the end of the year. If you aren't expecting things to get better, they can't get worse. That's my theory anyway. And so far, it has worked for me. Things have gotten crazy around me, but it hasn't drug me down, since I'm just looking up from the bottom any way. Haha!

OK, so on to the weight thing. I said that I would do some sort of weigh in to keep track of my progress...... I REALLY don't want to even LOOK at the scale much less tell anyone what it said... My mother always said that if you weigh yourself in the morning, what ever the scale says first thing, (before you've eaten or done anything more than walked to the bathroom) it is your true weight. Man am I hoping that she was right cause I just weighed myself and I have gained 10lbs in the last 2 weeks! Ugh! Here it is......

182lbs.

Seriously!?!?! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not what I wanted to see. I am only like 10lbs off of what I was when I was about to give birth to my daughter, 7 months ago! UGH!

Ok, deep breath.... A friend of mine said a week ago that when you start a new work out regimen, you always gain weight before you start loosing. I really hope that that is the weight I "gained". I was super disappointed when I read that. Oh well. I was this heavy once before, well, twice if you count being preggo. And it was Junior year of HS. The weight melted off that summer, so maybe it will melt off again. I ran everyday that summer, then was so busy senior year and then the next 2 after that that I kept off the weight. 2 jobs, full time college, a boyfriend and being a broke 20 year old will do that to you. haha! I was 125lbs at my norm, and that is my goal again. I loved that weight. It was perfect for my body since I am super curvy.

I did 30 minutes of Pilate's today and ate super healthy. I had 2 egg whites this morning, a salad for lunch, a TON of water and then I failed for dinner. I was running late for work and my baby is starting into that separation anxiety stage so I didn't get a chance to eat real dinner. I ate a couple tacos from jack in the crack and some fries, gross, but I was being a cheap skate. haha! Oh well, I still did pretty well considering how awful I have been in the past. Its a process, right?

Friday I have this thing with friends and so I had to ask a friend to cover my route for that day. Well my childhood best friend, Chrissy, is going to work it for me. I always love it when she and I get a chance to hang out. We do a lot of reminiscing that I can't do with any one else. It's always fun. I love the ability to go WAAAAaaaay back to child hood with people. To that time when we thought life was soooo complicated. There was nothing really complicated about life when we were kids. Only things that we MADE complicated, you know? I miss that ability. I love going down memory lane. It makes me appreciate what I had and have.

Well, Off to the grocery store. Have to pick of some lunch stuffs for the hubby, forgot to do it yesterday.

Love and Light!

I have been thinking about starting a blog for TOO long. Soooooo, instead of continuing to procrastinate, Here we go!

I've been ALSO putting off about 50 million other things.

So here are my 2010 Goals!
1. Lose weight
2. Get out of debt
3. Be more positive
4. STOP PROCRASTINATING
5. Become more confident

I have been saying for almost 3 years now, that I wanted to lose all the weight that I gained in 2005-2006, which was about 50-60lbs. YIKES! AND, since January this I have been saying I was going to lose those 50lbs by March 1st, WHICH in January was a possibility, not now... hahaha! I started eating a bit healthier and doing Pilate's 3 times a week. It's a start at least, right? However, I needed something that will hold me accountable, so maybe this will be it! My goal is to start blogging my progress on here at least 4 times a week. Help me out guys! (I know that NO ONE is reading this, haha!!) I want to lose 20lbs by march 1st, and 30lbs more by June 1st! Totally do-able!

As for getting out of debt: I really just need to budget better and spend less. Its tough since I always seem to need something right when I start saving! But I am going to do it! I want the Hubs and I to cut our debt in half by the end of the year! We wanna buy a house soon! Getting out of debt and saving at the same time will be super tough. But I know we can do it! Right B? haha!

Being positive and NOT PROCRASTINATING: Do I really need to explain this one....? Prolly not! BUT..... Basically, I try to be positive and I have done pretty well for the last 2 years, but I would really like to be more so. And obviously procrastination..... needs to STOP! Hee Hee!

Today, I ate.... nothing healthy for me, haha! BUT I ate LESS of that nothing good for me. Usually if its good, I eat until I'm stuffed! BAAAAAAAD idea, obviously, but I adore food. I love to cook and create yumminess! (I know its not a word, so DEAL! haha!) But for me to have actually monitored myself is actually a big step. And before you go off and say, "Well Missy, it was only one day!", I've done this for a week! Slowly I have been cutting back. I have started reading this website by a former Navy seal and he has this 45 day plan that I am trying to follow. He says that beginning a work out regimen is even tougher when you start a special diet at the same time, and MAN did that totally make sense. So I'm planning on working out more this week and for about 2-3 weeks and then I will start really changing up my diet. I'm taking baby steps. I am just trying to be more active in general at first.

One reason I decided to start a blog is that I have a lot of down time on my hands during the day and at night after the hubby and babe go to bed and a lot of random thoughts in my head. Nothing really exciting, I don't have anything to say or any intention with it. Just bored and want to try something new and interesting... AND I am getting tired of having to buying new pens and notebooks! Hahaha!

Well, there's my first post. One down, three more to go for the week! I'll do a weigh in or something tomorrow.

Happy randomness!