Today is probably the hardest day of the year for the Cooper household. Today is the day, that our Little Man moves to Texas with his mother.
We have been preparing ourselves for this week for several months. I was well aware of how hard it would be on my husband, and how I would need to be strong and hold my head high and keep our family together. But nothing prepared me for the emotions that are running over, that ran over on Sunday, when his mom picked him up after staying with us for the last month.
Usually when I see my husband cry, even if I want/need to, my body goes into survival mode and I shut down the water system that are my eyeballs. Not Sunday, and definitely not today. I tried to hide behind my oversized sunglasses on Sunday, but there was nothing I could do, the tears just kept coming. We clung desperately to that sweet little boy, trying hard to be strong for him, but we knew it was the second to last time we would see him until November when he stays here for a couple days for Thanksgiving. Granted we may see him in September for his birthday, but all of us going is dependent upon us saving enough money and getting off of work, so if anything, my husband will be going alone.
Today, I thought that I was over bawling my eyes out, missing that little guy that I have come to love as fiercely as I do my own child, but I had no idea the ache I am feeling right now, the empty spot that is in my chest, wishing that he was still here with us, just for a few more days, turned weeks, months, and years. I wonder how we are going to keep a strong emotional tie between us and him, one that we all feel, not just us, with thousands of miles between us. Video chat, emails and phone calls might work for adults, but between a parent and a child?? Especially when that parent and child relationship is strongly discouraged by the other parent?
I didn't fully realize how much my heart would be breaking on this day, thinking that I would be the one holding it together for my husband. I can not imagine what he is going through today, or what he has been going through for months, knowing that his son was going to be living so far away from him for a majority of his life. I have tried so hard to just be strong for him, but I didn't realize how selfish I had been, still requiring him to put so much effort into our relationship to such depth that I basically was asking him to ignore his own heart and pain and focus on mine alone. How selfish and self absorbed can I be?
I love this little boy so deeply, and sometimes its hard to remember that. I have been fighting a current with him since we met. I have never had to work so hard to have a child like me. But with his mother, it has been an uphill battle since day one. He is the sweetest, brightest and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever met in a child his age. He tries so hard to be this grownup little man for everyone around him. He has been through so much in his young life, especially in the last year and a half, that it is so completely unfair.
Do any of you have any new ideas on how to keep our relationship alive with our little man??
7.27.2010
7.17.2010
7.16.2010
Missy Higgins, "Where I Stood" Lyrics.
For all my friends, guy or girl, who have had to make tough choices in relationships, choices that they regret but know is for the best.
Where I Stood lyrics
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
I am...
A mother
a child
a woman
a thinker
a wanderer
a friend
a student of life
a lover of life
a spontaneous ball of silly combustion
a random act of kindness
a random act of anger and emotional aggression
a stranger unto myself
a jerk
a germa-phobe who has a organization problem
a collector of friends
a musician
a scaredy cat
a stong companion
a fighter
a dose of reality
a bonafide weirdo
a passionate reader
an enigma to myself
beautiful
ugly
short
fat
conscientious
complicated
simple
challenging
obstinate
willing
changing
still the same
unpredictable
spontaneous
confusing
suprising
entertaining
emotional
an adventurer
a dreamer
am not what you expect
I am a woman and I am no one but me. If you can't accept all of this, than you can't have all of me.
a child
a woman
a thinker
a wanderer
a friend
a student of life
a lover of life
a spontaneous ball of silly combustion
a random act of kindness
a random act of anger and emotional aggression
a stranger unto myself
a jerk
a germa-phobe who has a organization problem
a collector of friends
a musician
a scaredy cat
a stong companion
a fighter
a dose of reality
a bonafide weirdo
a passionate reader
an enigma to myself
beautiful
ugly
short
fat
conscientious
complicated
simple
challenging
obstinate
willing
changing
still the same
unpredictable
spontaneous
confusing
suprising
entertaining
emotional
an adventurer
a dreamer
am not what you expect
I am a woman and I am no one but me. If you can't accept all of this, than you can't have all of me.
7.13.2010
Lessons for today.
Today, I learned something about myself: I do not like Uncontrolled Chaos.
I also learned, in the last few days, that running around, taking care of everyone and everything else, is not productive if you do not first take care of your self. Which if you really think about it, is common knowledge/sense. Airlines tell you to put your mask on first before assisting others, so why should day to day life be any different?
Thursday, I noticed a slight red area on, well, for lack of a more tactful way to say it, my right breast.
While at camp, I had been bit by a bug, or spider, which either way, sucks (no pun intended!). I have never really thought about such things and needing to do more than maybe clean the bitten area with some soap and water. Now, I have a VERY red, swollen and very painful breast. It got so bad that I visited the ER 2 times on Friday; the 2nd time, I was admitted. I was there from, basically, Friday night to Sunday afternoon. I was poked and prodded and they took blood and hooked up 2 IV's more in the course of 2 days then I have in my entire life. NOT a way to spend the weekend of my daughters first birthday party; WHICH I had to miss. NOT amazing.
I learned an important lesson however: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't ignore your body.
We as women tend to ignore ourselves, health-wise, because we "just don't have time", because we are taking care of everyone and everything else around us. If something as simple as a bug bite can basically cripple you, than think about something "more serious" and how that could knock you down and put you in the hospital or worse!
Well, thats really all I have for now.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!!!
I also learned, in the last few days, that running around, taking care of everyone and everything else, is not productive if you do not first take care of your self. Which if you really think about it, is common knowledge/sense. Airlines tell you to put your mask on first before assisting others, so why should day to day life be any different?
Thursday, I noticed a slight red area on, well, for lack of a more tactful way to say it, my right breast.
While at camp, I had been bit by a bug, or spider, which either way, sucks (no pun intended!). I have never really thought about such things and needing to do more than maybe clean the bitten area with some soap and water. Now, I have a VERY red, swollen and very painful breast. It got so bad that I visited the ER 2 times on Friday; the 2nd time, I was admitted. I was there from, basically, Friday night to Sunday afternoon. I was poked and prodded and they took blood and hooked up 2 IV's more in the course of 2 days then I have in my entire life. NOT a way to spend the weekend of my daughters first birthday party; WHICH I had to miss. NOT amazing.
I learned an important lesson however: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't ignore your body.
We as women tend to ignore ourselves, health-wise, because we "just don't have time", because we are taking care of everyone and everything else around us. If something as simple as a bug bite can basically cripple you, than think about something "more serious" and how that could knock you down and put you in the hospital or worse!
Well, thats really all I have for now.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!!!
7.07.2010
No. I am not kidding. I wish I was.
7.03.2010
Do you ever think about what goes into your body, directly affects your body?
http://www.takepart.com/news/2010/06/28/sarah-silverman-wants-healthier-school-lunches
On the Food Inc official blog, I recently read this letter by Sarah Silverman, the brash comedienne, a lifetime vegetarian. She is a devout believer in schools providing healthier meal options to the next generation.
If someone who is widely known for pushing the envelope and blurring the line of appropriate and inappropriate in the comedic sense, is willing to go this far to make a change for our children, shouldn't we?
I recently spent a week on an island which I declare is the artist paradise. I found NO evidence of McDonaldization , nor were there anything but pure organics to be found. It was heaven. Pure Heaven. And in all honesty, you paid for it. Everything had a higher price tag, but isn't that a small price to pay for a longer life, a healthier life, a more fulfilling life?
Just a few thoughts for today. I hope it opens a few eyes.
On the Food Inc official blog, I recently read this letter by Sarah Silverman, the brash comedienne, a lifetime vegetarian. She is a devout believer in schools providing healthier meal options to the next generation.
If someone who is widely known for pushing the envelope and blurring the line of appropriate and inappropriate in the comedic sense, is willing to go this far to make a change for our children, shouldn't we?
I recently spent a week on an island which I declare is the artist paradise. I found NO evidence of McDonaldization , nor were there anything but pure organics to be found. It was heaven. Pure Heaven. And in all honesty, you paid for it. Everything had a higher price tag, but isn't that a small price to pay for a longer life, a healthier life, a more fulfilling life?
Just a few thoughts for today. I hope it opens a few eyes.
6.23.2010
6.18.2010
Washington government has its priorities straight.....
http://www.seattlepi.com/local/6420ap_wa_governors_table.html
Apparently $10,000 was spent on the restoration project; half from a private fund and the other half from the General Administration budget.
"The top House budget writer, Democratic Rep. Kelli Linville of Bellingham, said the table expenditure is unnecessary at a time when she and other lawmakers closed about $12 billion in budget shortfalls over two years by cutting more than $4 billion in programs and personnel, using reserves and federal aid and raising taxes by upward of $800 million.
She acknowledged the cost is not huge but said the fact that it is being paid by taxpayer dollars is "symptomatic" of challenges lawmakers face in setting budget priorities."
Do I need to tell you how I feel about this??????
In a time when friends of mine are losing their jobs at the state because of these budget shortfalls......
6.09.2010
Plastic surgery and all the things I hate about myself
Don't worry, this isn't a negative post. I just happened to watch a lot of trashy TV (E! network) today because I wasn't feeling well and ended up laying on the floor or couch, not moving much. This post is entirely vain, so if you are offended by it, remember, its my body, not yours. But please feel free to comment your thoughts on cosmetic surgeries at the end.
The topic of today: physical perceptions.
Here is my perception on the whole plastic surgery bit. I am for it. Yeah, I came out looking how God intended me to, but I have screwed it up a bit along the way. SO here are a few things I would have done and why.
1. My boobs: I have HUGE boobs. Even when I was a size 5/6, they were borderline small D's big C's. I want a reduction, lift and augmentation. You would be surprised at how how life is with big boobs. My shoulders hurt, I get tension migraines ALL THE TIME, my back aches and buying bra's? Forget about it. Not to mention exercising is a BITCH. I wear 2 bras usually, one sports bra and an under-wire one under that, plus I usually wear 2 tanks with built in bra's on top just for good measure. Those suckers ain't goin anywhere. I am still trying to figure out how to get a Dr to sign off on it so my insurance will pay for it........ (Any tips???)
2. My teeth: I have bad teeth. They have no enamel, and no immune system, so they are incredibly susceptible to infections, rotting and cavities. Also, I still have 6 baby teeth.... there were no adults behind them. Let me assure you: I take and have always taken good care of my teeth. I brush 2x a day, maybe don't floss enough, but I take good care other than that. SO, I want new teeth. The whole mouth, just rip 'em out and give me new ones. BUT, implants cost $3000 a tooth and NO insurance covers more than 1/4 of that cost......
3. My bottom 2-3 ribs. This one is entirely vain. My bottom ribs stick out at least an inch from being pregnant with my daughter. I know that this is completely natural, but when I loose the weight I want to lose, that inch will be noticeable, and I want it gone.
4. Tummy tuck and a little lipo around my hips and inside of my thighs: This again is completely vain. I have always wanted my thighs to NOT touch. But I am slightly knock-kneed and have THICK thighs..... I have always had them touch, and it drives me absolutely BONKERS! Not to mention that the inside of ALL my pants wear out in just a few months because of it. I don't know how many jeans I have that are crotchless...... I have always had boxy hips that are just a fine layer of fat that settled into my "muffin top" area, and no matter how fit I've ever been, its always there. The tummy tuck part is of course, due to being preggo with my baby girl. Another vain thing, but I noticed that even though it looks like a roll of fat when I sit down or bend over, it is really just a large bit of skin that is no longer attached to my muscle wall. I know that a LOT of sit ups, yoga and Pilate's will minimize this, but it will always be there. I want it gone.
I find it interesting that on this list of things I want to fix, my nose doesn't even rate.
When I was in grade school, my nose was the bane of my existence. I hated it. Then in 7th grade I saw a picture of myself from the side and all I saw was NOSE!! I spent the rest of middle school sitting at my desk, covering my nose so no one would stare at how HUGE and Jewish it looked, (I am part Jewish, no racism is meant by that comment). I swore for the next 5 years that I would get rich some day and the first thing I would do was get a nose job. OR, I would get signed and the record company would give me a make over that included minimizing my nose.... ridiculous, I know. Now, however, I like my nose. I grew into it. I actually like my face a lot and there is nothing that I would do to change it, nothing a little makeup can't take care of anyhow, (I like to "adjust" the shape and size of my lips on occasion.... haha!)
I think cosmetic surgery is just fine, in moderation. And frankly, the two on my list that are incredibly vain, I could probably fix on my own, I just haven't yet. I am working on losing it, and improving my body image for MYSELF, and no one else. The first two are more of health concerns though they do have their vain bits to them (better smile, smaller and more manageable cleavage....). I think that my quality of personal health and life would change if I had these things done, for me.
So, What is your opinion on plastic surgery? What would you change about yourself and why?
6.08.2010
Life is tough.... Now what are you gonna do about it?
I spent a lot of my life complaining. Who hasn't.
If you know me, you know that I am pretty much an open book when it comes to my life. I have nothing to hide, and if I do, I just don't tell you about it. But mostly, I am an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know who and what I care about.
In the last year, I have changed. A LOT. I have become mean, vindictive and spiteful. Three things I had always prided myself on NOT being. As a child, I was bright, bubbly, inquisitive, imaginative, helpful and kind. The older I got, I soon discovered sarcasm, and used it often as a protective shield against the world and those things that I was afraid of. Did I just say that in the past tense? Allow me to rephrase... I use it often against things I am afraid of. Lately, I have realized that I am cantankerous, short tempered and petty.
Even as I sit here typing, I try to pass this off as someone else' fault. If only Soandso was not a part of my life, or if Whatshisname had never broken my heart, or, IfonlyIhad/hadn't made X choice..... I find it hard in remembering that I make my own choices to be who/what I want to be. No one else makes that decision for me. ME.
Life is hard, and full of foolish mistakes; whether they be what you allow to affect you and you attitude, or whether we allow someone to use us in a negative manner, or going where we want to in life or being too passive to make the choices that ultimately make the ME happy and contented in life.
I constantly find myself making choices in what and how something affects me. Lately, I have taken the lazy, easy, passive route which ultimately make things (read:life) harder than necessary. I have let things in my life that I have NO control over take ME over and harden me into a less caring, angry individual. Instead of looking to the positive, and letting these things roll off of my back, I have let them gather into a chip on my shoulder.
Life is tough, so what are you going to do about it?
I heard this some where at some point in my life, and it didn't apply to me then, so I apparently stored it up to use when it did apply to me; and I have referenced it to myself a lot in the last 5 years, but till now, rarely applied it to my daily decisions.
Life is tough, so why make it harder on yourself by choosing to gather the negative in a burden to carry on you back?
Well, there's today's random thought.
Hope you have a sunshiney, summery day!
6.06.2010
11 months? What?????
As of 3:11am, my daughter will be 11 months old.
I spent all weekend long revisiting the day I went into labour, giving birth and many other moments through out my pregnancy. As I remember these once in a lifetime moments in my life, I felt that I should share these with everyone.
THE:
two tests I took before I realized it was real.....
hearing her heart beat for the first time. It sounded like a metal "thunder" board.
first time I felt that "flutter", and realized that it wasn't a muscle spasm.
first time I smelled something that made me want to barf.... pork baby back ribs....and enjoyed it.
trying to squeeze into my "fat jeans" only to happily realize, I needed to purchase maternity pants.
seeing and feeling her move while watching the ultrasound.
19 week and 4 day ultrasound that told us "ITS A GIRL!!!"
watching Brian jumping off the chair, punching the air and yelling "YES!!!"
first stretch mark.
round belly that I couldn't keep my hands off of.
seeing a little foot, hand and elbow pushing out of my side.
little fingers or toes in my ribs at any time during the day or night.
HEARTBURN!!
Sciatica so bad I would lose strength in my legs to stand.
birth class...... it was.... interesting to say the least...... oh those two idiots........ and the ones of questionable age.....
wanting and almost making of chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies at 3am... then......
rush I felt at 5am, thinking I peed myself.
laughing at Brian when he handed me a washcloth to soak up the amniotic fluid..........
humor of watching Brian running around the house trying to repack my bag.
him yelling "Why are you so calm?" then looking at the dog, "Why are you just sitting there??"
calling the labour and delivery ward, asking to take a shower and them laughing at me.
22 hours of labour
hearing Brian say that he was getting a promotion at work.
dose of Nubain that felt like 3 glasses of wine with out the neurological side affects.... it was amazing.
being so happy that I would be delivering with the OB I had been seeing since she was on call.
hating and then LOVING my final delivery nurse cause she wasn't as cheerful as the rest.
sudden rush of "Alright, lets start." at 230am on July 7th.
45 minutes of pushing before they laid the most beautiful baby girl on my chest.
hearing her cry for the first time.
crying because it was the happiest moment in my life.
kissing my husband, who was so supportive, and so tender to me during the whole process.
There is nothing in the world like the first few moments after you have given birth. Those are moments you will cherish for the rest of your life. Even now, I am almost brought to tears thinking about that day.
In one month, my daughter, the love of my life, will be one year old. I am in awe. I am sad. I am scared. I am breathless. I am in love.
She is beautiful and growing so quickly. I don't want to miss one moment.
I spent all weekend long revisiting the day I went into labour, giving birth and many other moments through out my pregnancy. As I remember these once in a lifetime moments in my life, I felt that I should share these with everyone.
THE:
two tests I took before I realized it was real.....
hearing her heart beat for the first time. It sounded like a metal "thunder" board.
first time I felt that "flutter", and realized that it wasn't a muscle spasm.
first time I smelled something that made me want to barf.... pork baby back ribs....and enjoyed it.
trying to squeeze into my "fat jeans" only to happily realize, I needed to purchase maternity pants.
seeing and feeling her move while watching the ultrasound.
19 week and 4 day ultrasound that told us "ITS A GIRL!!!"
watching Brian jumping off the chair, punching the air and yelling "YES!!!"
first stretch mark.
round belly that I couldn't keep my hands off of.
seeing a little foot, hand and elbow pushing out of my side.
little fingers or toes in my ribs at any time during the day or night.
HEARTBURN!!
Sciatica so bad I would lose strength in my legs to stand.
birth class...... it was.... interesting to say the least...... oh those two idiots........ and the ones of questionable age.....
wanting and almost making of chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies at 3am... then......
rush I felt at 5am, thinking I peed myself.
laughing at Brian when he handed me a washcloth to soak up the amniotic fluid..........
humor of watching Brian running around the house trying to repack my bag.
him yelling "Why are you so calm?" then looking at the dog, "Why are you just sitting there??"
calling the labour and delivery ward, asking to take a shower and them laughing at me.
22 hours of labour
hearing Brian say that he was getting a promotion at work.
dose of Nubain that felt like 3 glasses of wine with out the neurological side affects.... it was amazing.
being so happy that I would be delivering with the OB I had been seeing since she was on call.
hating and then LOVING my final delivery nurse cause she wasn't as cheerful as the rest.
sudden rush of "Alright, lets start." at 230am on July 7th.
45 minutes of pushing before they laid the most beautiful baby girl on my chest.
hearing her cry for the first time.
crying because it was the happiest moment in my life.
kissing my husband, who was so supportive, and so tender to me during the whole process.
There is nothing in the world like the first few moments after you have given birth. Those are moments you will cherish for the rest of your life. Even now, I am almost brought to tears thinking about that day.
In one month, my daughter, the love of my life, will be one year old. I am in awe. I am sad. I am scared. I am breathless. I am in love.
She is beautiful and growing so quickly. I don't want to miss one moment.
5.28.2010
Women v. Men in the Metabolism Dept.
Its a little bit after midnight, and I find myself up thinking, as usual, about my weight. But this time its a little different. I am thinking about my households diet habits.
I watched a little clip from Jillian Michael's "Lose it with Jillian" show on her website, and it shows the difference between using a little bit of Pam Cooking Spray and using Olive/Vegetable/Cooking oil and how heavy and bad for you it is. This set me off thinking about how I eat and how my hubs eats as well.
If you have met my husband, you will know that he is NOT overweight in any sense of the word. He is fairly tall (6') and somewhere around 170lbs. Not an extra pound on him. However: he lives a lifestyle like someone who is over weight. He eats fast food, fries everything, and eats pretty unhealthily unless I am home cooking for him. (I have had to show him how to make a energy filled lunch for work before. He didn't understand the phrase "empty calories".) And his exercise extends as far as the end of the day bell for work. Mind you, his job is incredibly physically demanding, yet he does not exert the effort out side of work to exercise. (NOTE: I am not dogging him about not exercising, I am simply making a point, so bear with me.)
Brian and I have basically the same diet and exercise level, yet, I pack on the lbs, where he, just stores a couple extra that he could burn off with one day of riding his dirt bike or a week of doing some sit ups. Why is this? What is the difference between man and woman that causes women to store our body fat instead of burning through it like men do?
I have a theory. We are supposed to be busier then our men. Think about it. 100 years ago, even if men were working construction or something, women were running around after the kids, cooking, cleaning and generally keeping order of our households, and it didn't stop when the husband came home. It continued, making sure he was taken care of as well. Here is another theory: labour. It makes so much sense. At the base of our physical purpose, women are made to procreate. A 1000 years ago, that's all women were for, makin babies. (No hating on this, its true and we all know it.) YES, society has since changed, but our bodily functions have not. Having bore a beautiful baby girl last year, I realized that my metabolism has slowed down. I believe it is because, now that my body knows that I am of child bearing ability, it knows it needs to start storing up energy reserves for me.
If you add the first 2 theories together, you will get my final theory: that our bodies are supposed to burn more, there for it stores more so we can stay reasonably healthy and energetic to keep up with the demands of our families. Makes so much sense to me.
Well, that is my random, silly thought for the day on weight. Probably makes no sense to anyone else but me. :D Oh well. This is probably nothing new to anyone else, but the thought was crossing my mind as I got ready to head to bed.
I hope you have a busy, calorie burning day tomorrow, and lots of lovely relaxing dreams tonight!
I watched a little clip from Jillian Michael's "Lose it with Jillian" show on her website, and it shows the difference between using a little bit of Pam Cooking Spray and using Olive/Vegetable/Cooking oil and how heavy and bad for you it is. This set me off thinking about how I eat and how my hubs eats as well.
If you have met my husband, you will know that he is NOT overweight in any sense of the word. He is fairly tall (6') and somewhere around 170lbs. Not an extra pound on him. However: he lives a lifestyle like someone who is over weight. He eats fast food, fries everything, and eats pretty unhealthily unless I am home cooking for him. (I have had to show him how to make a energy filled lunch for work before. He didn't understand the phrase "empty calories".) And his exercise extends as far as the end of the day bell for work. Mind you, his job is incredibly physically demanding, yet he does not exert the effort out side of work to exercise. (NOTE: I am not dogging him about not exercising, I am simply making a point, so bear with me.)
Brian and I have basically the same diet and exercise level, yet, I pack on the lbs, where he, just stores a couple extra that he could burn off with one day of riding his dirt bike or a week of doing some sit ups. Why is this? What is the difference between man and woman that causes women to store our body fat instead of burning through it like men do?
I have a theory. We are supposed to be busier then our men. Think about it. 100 years ago, even if men were working construction or something, women were running around after the kids, cooking, cleaning and generally keeping order of our households, and it didn't stop when the husband came home. It continued, making sure he was taken care of as well. Here is another theory: labour. It makes so much sense. At the base of our physical purpose, women are made to procreate. A 1000 years ago, that's all women were for, makin babies. (No hating on this, its true and we all know it.) YES, society has since changed, but our bodily functions have not. Having bore a beautiful baby girl last year, I realized that my metabolism has slowed down. I believe it is because, now that my body knows that I am of child bearing ability, it knows it needs to start storing up energy reserves for me.
If you add the first 2 theories together, you will get my final theory: that our bodies are supposed to burn more, there for it stores more so we can stay reasonably healthy and energetic to keep up with the demands of our families. Makes so much sense to me.
Well, that is my random, silly thought for the day on weight. Probably makes no sense to anyone else but me. :D Oh well. This is probably nothing new to anyone else, but the thought was crossing my mind as I got ready to head to bed.
I hope you have a busy, calorie burning day tomorrow, and lots of lovely relaxing dreams tonight!
5.26.2010
Sex, Jealousy, and their impact on relationships.
Today I talked to my mother-in-law for about 45 minutes, which, while its not that unusual, I found myself wishing I would just shut up, but couldnt stop myself. And as I am writing, I realize, that I kept talking because I felt the need to connect with another human being on a deep, emotional level, and she happened to be there at the right moment, and was someone I was comfortable enough with for me to do so.
The human need for emotional connection with other humans, is something that is complicated and has been confusing the human population since the dawn of time. Adam needed something more than physical company, he needed another human being to connect with.
My MIL and I got on to the topic of relationships to ex's, and how it is a natural thing to feel jealous when our ex's move on, regardless of whether or not we have. I know that when one of my ex's finally started steadily dating one girl almost 4 years after we split, I felt insanely jealous, and I know that when my last ex prior to my husband finally dates and marries someone else, I will feel that familiar twinge of jealousy. Its almost as if we are saying "how dare you! How could you move on and be happy after me?" Its not that we dont want them to be happy, its just a normal feeling. As a born and bred Christian, I was taught that we were not intended to date multiple people and then subsequently have sex with multiple people. There is an emotional connection to anyone we are that intimate with that you will not have with those whom you do not/have not had sex with. Sex simply complicates things. We all know its true. No one can deny it, even those who are serial "wam!-bam!-thankyoumaa'am-ers". Regardless of how you feel about sex, it will alway complicate any relationship you have. But I believe it is particularly hard for those who have procreated with a significant other. I know this one person, who had a child with someone, and then several years later, they split up. It took the other party a while before settling down and begining to date someone new, but once they did, the first person became, (from my outside perspective,) insanely jealous and has since done almost anything possible to make life for their ex as difficult as possible, and by doing so, trying to split them and their new partner up. Now the first party moved on, several times infact, but felt that that was alright.
In what way is this ok?
Now, I am saying again, IT IS OK TO FEEL A LITTLE JEALOUS. Just don't act on it. It is normal, considering we were never intended to have multiple partners in the first place. Shakespeare calls jealousy the" Green-Eyed Monster". The philosopher annd founder of Pennsylvania, William Penn, said, "The jealous are troublesome to others, and a torment to themselves." Jealousy only makes your own life a living hell. People can become so blinded by jealousy that they do not even realize how unhappy they are.
Fine Frenzy's song, Almost Lover, "I never wanna see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me."
People who are unhappy, don't want to see those around them happy, because it forces them to realize how unhappy they are.
Maya Angelou had this to say on the subject: "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
I like to research things and in researching this, I found someone who had said it better than I could, so instead of paraphrasing, I will let you read what they wrote. This is what the Bible has to say on the matter:
"The Bible tells us that we are to have the perfect kind of love that God has for us. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The more we focus on ourselves and our own desires, the less we are able to focus on God. When we harden our hearts to the truth, we cannot turn to Jesus and allow Him to heal us (Matthew 13:15). But when we allow the Holy Spirit to control us, He will produce in us the fruit of our salvation, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). " (http://www.gotquestions.org/jealousy-bible.html)
Well I think that pretty well sums it up.
This ended up going in fifty different directions. So, I will stop for now.
Have a sparkly, love filled day!
The human need for emotional connection with other humans, is something that is complicated and has been confusing the human population since the dawn of time. Adam needed something more than physical company, he needed another human being to connect with.
My MIL and I got on to the topic of relationships to ex's, and how it is a natural thing to feel jealous when our ex's move on, regardless of whether or not we have. I know that when one of my ex's finally started steadily dating one girl almost 4 years after we split, I felt insanely jealous, and I know that when my last ex prior to my husband finally dates and marries someone else, I will feel that familiar twinge of jealousy. Its almost as if we are saying "how dare you! How could you move on and be happy after me?" Its not that we dont want them to be happy, its just a normal feeling. As a born and bred Christian, I was taught that we were not intended to date multiple people and then subsequently have sex with multiple people. There is an emotional connection to anyone we are that intimate with that you will not have with those whom you do not/have not had sex with. Sex simply complicates things. We all know its true. No one can deny it, even those who are serial "wam!-bam!-thankyoumaa'am-ers". Regardless of how you feel about sex, it will alway complicate any relationship you have. But I believe it is particularly hard for those who have procreated with a significant other. I know this one person, who had a child with someone, and then several years later, they split up. It took the other party a while before settling down and begining to date someone new, but once they did, the first person became, (from my outside perspective,) insanely jealous and has since done almost anything possible to make life for their ex as difficult as possible, and by doing so, trying to split them and their new partner up. Now the first party moved on, several times infact, but felt that that was alright.
In what way is this ok?
Now, I am saying again, IT IS OK TO FEEL A LITTLE JEALOUS. Just don't act on it. It is normal, considering we were never intended to have multiple partners in the first place. Shakespeare calls jealousy the" Green-Eyed Monster". The philosopher annd founder of Pennsylvania, William Penn, said, "The jealous are troublesome to others, and a torment to themselves." Jealousy only makes your own life a living hell. People can become so blinded by jealousy that they do not even realize how unhappy they are.
Fine Frenzy's song, Almost Lover, "I never wanna see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me."
People who are unhappy, don't want to see those around them happy, because it forces them to realize how unhappy they are.
Maya Angelou had this to say on the subject: "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
I like to research things and in researching this, I found someone who had said it better than I could, so instead of paraphrasing, I will let you read what they wrote. This is what the Bible has to say on the matter:
"The Bible tells us that we are to have the perfect kind of love that God has for us. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The more we focus on ourselves and our own desires, the less we are able to focus on God. When we harden our hearts to the truth, we cannot turn to Jesus and allow Him to heal us (Matthew 13:15). But when we allow the Holy Spirit to control us, He will produce in us the fruit of our salvation, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). " (http://www.gotquestions.org/jealousy-bible.html)
Well I think that pretty well sums it up.
This ended up going in fifty different directions. So, I will stop for now.
Have a sparkly, love filled day!
Someday, we will only just remember how it feels.
I was on my way home from a quick bite with a couple of friends, when Rob Thomas' "Someday" came on the radio. It was the first time I had heard the song and it was rather poignant and relative to my life as of late. So of course I did 1 of 2 things: 1) I looked up the lyrics. 2)I pulled Rob Thomas up on a play list. Reading through the lyrics, I was touched and it got me thinking about life and choices, life and circumstances and life and relationships.
Here are lyrics from "Someday" and "Little Wonders", both of which are performed by Rob Thomas:
Someday
You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry
[Chorus:]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone
[Chorus]
And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow
Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again
Little Wonders
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
Both of these songs reminded me of people around me and their circumstances in life; people who have lost their husbands, wives, sons, daughters, friends, to war, cancer, hate. People who are considering a change in relationship, whether it be divorce or marriage, moving from home, or moving back. People who are about to change their lives, whether through moving or going to school, graduating, or other choices. Some people starting over or ending a chapter in their lives.
It's interesting to me to see how everyone in my life is making some sort of change. I can see it, feel it in the air. There must be something in the water, because its everywhere. I know for myself, change has been a long time coming, and I am facing a lot of change, some met with obstacles, others a smile and a word of encouragement. I am working on changing my lifestyle in many ways: the way I eat, to exercise more, those I spend time with, the way I approach situations and people, and admitting to myself that I have a serious case of postpartum depression. For me that is a difficult realization. I was raised to believe that depression was a personal weakness and that "its all in your head" and that its a choice to be depressed, and then having those who said this previously, changing their tune and deciding its ok to be on antidepressants. Very confusing for a young teenager. Going from weakness to "you must have PPD" is a hard about-face. It makes my head spin. Anyway, I know that I do have PPD and that it is something very real and can easily escalate into a very serious issue. But I know I have it, and am dealing with it in my own way. It is difficult to admit something like that though. It makes me feel almost defeated on a daily basis. Its been difficult also because I really don't have anyone to turn to that knows how to help me or support me. I have my husband, but he is a guy, and has no idea how to deal with emotions. I don't have anyone else who really understands a fraction of how I feel other than him though. My family has its own issues, and I barely get a chance to talk to them, and most of my friends either don't have kids or are married, or have their own babies to deal with of course. GO figure. :D
Well, enough of that.
Listening to these two songs just made me realize that, even though I know people who are going through crazy patches in their lives, and though I may feel it, I am not alone in feeling the way I do about life. It helps me to think of it that way, that there are people who read my posts on Facebook, who are silently supporting me and praying for me in their own way, just the same as I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, silently supporting them, even though I may not say so.
The lyrics of these two songs remind me that every thing is temporary: the craziness of life, the stresses and complication. That eventually they even them selves out and that:
"Someday, We'll figure all this out. We'll put an end to all our doubt. Try to find a way to just feel better now and Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud, We'll be better off somehow, Someday."
So,
"let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. don't you know the hardest part is over let it in, let your clarity define you. In the end, we will only just remember how it feels."
5.24.2010
Mistakes.
I have made some mistakes in my life. Who hasn't, right? But where is the line when you finally realize that the mistakes you are making or have made, are just that, and that there is no lesson in them?
My life has been a complicated mess since the day I was born. I was taught that life is a mess, so I followed that pattern, and I have let my life be a mess. Isn't there a certain age when you stop just making mistakes and start learning from them? I'm 24, shouldn't I be smarter by now?
A child doesn't touch a hot stove top and then forget ten minutes later that they got burnt and that it hurt and then touch it again. Why do we do that emotionally? Why do we finally get around to stop doing the things or making choices that hurt us, only to turn around sometime later, and make the same choice or do the same thing again? Even when we know they will just hurt again, this time MORE? Why do we compromise our personal values for something that we know will just hurt us again and again with no regard for how we will feel in the long run? Certain animals are smarter than this; once an animal gets abused, they quickly become gun shy. So why don't we, (I)?
Why do we, I, do this?
Mistakes will be made, sometimes we learn from them, other times, we just live the rest of our lives regretting them. I am tired of making mistakes that I regret the moment I make them thinking that I am learning from them instead. I am just done. No more regrets, no more mistakes I continue to make over and over again.
My life has been a complicated mess since the day I was born. I was taught that life is a mess, so I followed that pattern, and I have let my life be a mess. Isn't there a certain age when you stop just making mistakes and start learning from them? I'm 24, shouldn't I be smarter by now?
A child doesn't touch a hot stove top and then forget ten minutes later that they got burnt and that it hurt and then touch it again. Why do we do that emotionally? Why do we finally get around to stop doing the things or making choices that hurt us, only to turn around sometime later, and make the same choice or do the same thing again? Even when we know they will just hurt again, this time MORE? Why do we compromise our personal values for something that we know will just hurt us again and again with no regard for how we will feel in the long run? Certain animals are smarter than this; once an animal gets abused, they quickly become gun shy. So why don't we, (I)?
Why do we, I, do this?
Mistakes will be made, sometimes we learn from them, other times, we just live the rest of our lives regretting them. I am tired of making mistakes that I regret the moment I make them thinking that I am learning from them instead. I am just done. No more regrets, no more mistakes I continue to make over and over again.
5.08.2010
Society, goverments and us as Americans.....
DISCLAIMER: This post is completely off base, I am sure, and after posting it, I am off to read my old sociology and civics books from college over again. I am completely ignorant to the way the government is run and the politics of it all. And as I am posting, I am realizing how much that I need to study up on it again. I wish I could go back to my civics class in high school. I don't understand or remember the basics of governments and the ethics of it all. Please no hateful or mean comments. Only informative and constructive if any at all, please.
I hadn't watched this movie in about 7 months when I put it in a few nights ago. We know someone who lost her husband in Afghanistan last September. I absentmindedly put it in in October, with out thinking and couldn't finish more then 10 minutes of it. It hit home too closely for comfort having known quite a few people who are in the Middle East working, or, rather more specifically, knowing some one who was Killed In Action. Its a harsh reality when you basically ignored the fact that there was a war over there in the first place.
Its not that I am ignorant to that fact, its just that as Americans, many of us have created a bubble around ourselves. That bubble is too encompassing and it allows us a false sense of protection and infallibility. That we are indestructible, invincible, all powerful.
Please don't think that this is a anti or pro war blog. Its not. Granted, I am anti war for the simple fact that I hate that people have to die because of their countries government, however, this is not a blog about war at all. It is about us as Americans and how and why we act to the rest of the world.
Most every other society in the world thinks we are all big fat idiots. Its the plain truth. At least those with the freedom to think, say and feel the way they want to do. Others still are programmed to think that we are the big Evil in the world; or rather that Westernization is, but most of the time, that means America.... Am I wrong?
As Americans, we seem to think we have some sort of superiority to the rest of the world. Why? Because we run a democracy? Because our homes are bigger? Because we are allowed to vote and are not persecuted for which way we vote? Does this make us better human beings? Does it keep us from the same corruption and depravity of other countries? The answer is a simple: No.
We are the youngest nation. Throughout history, there were new and powerful empires that thought they had the right to rule over the rest of the world, and each and every one of them crumbled. As Americans, it seems that we are in that exact position right now. Our economy is shot and has been that way for a long, long time now. People have been crying out against the government more than ever. Have we begun to be brought to our knees?
As ironic as it was, watching the movie "Team America: World Police" was pretty spot on for the way it defined us as thinking we were the Worlds police. It seems that every problem out there, we rush to help. Whether or not we are needed, or wanted. I want world peace as much as the next human being, but who says it is Americas place to enforce it?
I think that the answer lies more in society than it does in our government.
Well, I am off to study up and inform myself so I don't sound so ignorant. Wish me luck!
"[Once we clue into the fact that life is finite, the thought of losing it shouldn't] scare us anymore. The end comes no matter what. What matters is how you want to go out: on your feet or on your knees." - quote revised from The Kingdom.
I hadn't watched this movie in about 7 months when I put it in a few nights ago. We know someone who lost her husband in Afghanistan last September. I absentmindedly put it in in October, with out thinking and couldn't finish more then 10 minutes of it. It hit home too closely for comfort having known quite a few people who are in the Middle East working, or, rather more specifically, knowing some one who was Killed In Action. Its a harsh reality when you basically ignored the fact that there was a war over there in the first place.
Its not that I am ignorant to that fact, its just that as Americans, many of us have created a bubble around ourselves. That bubble is too encompassing and it allows us a false sense of protection and infallibility. That we are indestructible, invincible, all powerful.
On the morning of September, 11, 2001, this bubble was burst. This was a scary day for all of us. Personally, I was sitting in my living room, watching the morning news as I tied my shoes. I specifically remember feeling in a daze, as I watched the 2nd plane hit on live television. Not many people in my school, (as I was a sophomore in high school,) really understood the seriousness of the situation. I knew it was a big deal, but, I was naive to the reality of it all. It was surreal. It didn't seem real to me. I just went about my day as if nothing happened, even though not one of my classes did anything that day but watch television. Across the nation, I know millions of others were doing the same as they went about their daily routines, pausing in banks, post offices, in stores, in their cars as they watched and listened to the days events, floating along in a fog; was this really happening?
Please don't think that this is a anti or pro war blog. Its not. Granted, I am anti war for the simple fact that I hate that people have to die because of their countries government, however, this is not a blog about war at all. It is about us as Americans and how and why we act to the rest of the world.
Most every other society in the world thinks we are all big fat idiots. Its the plain truth. At least those with the freedom to think, say and feel the way they want to do. Others still are programmed to think that we are the big Evil in the world; or rather that Westernization is, but most of the time, that means America.... Am I wrong?
As Americans, we seem to think we have some sort of superiority to the rest of the world. Why? Because we run a democracy? Because our homes are bigger? Because we are allowed to vote and are not persecuted for which way we vote? Does this make us better human beings? Does it keep us from the same corruption and depravity of other countries? The answer is a simple: No.
We are the youngest nation. Throughout history, there were new and powerful empires that thought they had the right to rule over the rest of the world, and each and every one of them crumbled. As Americans, it seems that we are in that exact position right now. Our economy is shot and has been that way for a long, long time now. People have been crying out against the government more than ever. Have we begun to be brought to our knees?
As ironic as it was, watching the movie "Team America: World Police" was pretty spot on for the way it defined us as thinking we were the Worlds police. It seems that every problem out there, we rush to help. Whether or not we are needed, or wanted. I want world peace as much as the next human being, but who says it is Americas place to enforce it?
I think that the answer lies more in society than it does in our government.
Well, I am off to study up and inform myself so I don't sound so ignorant. Wish me luck!
5.07.2010
The soundtrack of my day.
I got a little bored this morning and put together a specific playlist for the day and decided to share it with you all.
Adele- Melt My Heart to Stone
A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover
Sara Bareilles- Many the Miles
Duffy- Warwick Avenue
Adele...Again...- Hometown Glory
Muse- Resistance
30 Seconds to Mars- A Beautiful Lie
Boxcar Racer- There Is
Five for Fighting- 100 Years
The Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet
Flogging Molly- If I Ever Leave this World Alive
Missy Higgins- Warm Whispers
Welp, there you have it. A random, miscellaneous list of songs I felt like listening to.
Tonight, Brian is taking me somewhere for my birthday. He has been planning this for at least two months, and I do not do well with suprises. If I know something is going to happen, I get really anxious, not in a nervous way, just in an "AAAARRRGH! Just tell me damnit!" kind of way. I can't stand it. I go just crazy. Well he seems to think that I have figured it out, and I may have, but honestly, for once I did't spend hours and hours trying to figure it out. I just want to be surprised. So we will see. All I know for sure it that I am to dress up, be ready by 5:30pm, reservations are at 7:00pm, we needed an overnight babysitter and we are going north....... Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Today is also a significant day for Le Bebe. She turns 10 months old today. The last 2 weeks, I have been clinging desperately to the fact that she was still in the single digits..... I am sure I will do that when she turns 10 years old as well.... I can not believe how quickly time has gone since I had her. My life has been on the fast track for the last 2.5 years and I am beyond ready for it to slow down. I met B, engaged, preggo, married, moved, birthed, all in 1.5 years, now I just keep super busy between being a wife, mommy, and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Its all backwards. I started on the right track, college right out of high school, but after a year and a half, I couldn't afford it, so I dropped out, and started working and moved into my own place(s). Add that to the list prior, and everything is out of order. Oh well, what can you do?
Well, this was a completely random post.
Go out and have a beautiful sunshiney day!
Adele- Melt My Heart to Stone
A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover
Sara Bareilles- Many the Miles
Duffy- Warwick Avenue
Adele...Again...- Hometown Glory
Muse- Resistance
30 Seconds to Mars- A Beautiful Lie
Boxcar Racer- There Is
Five for Fighting- 100 Years
The Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet
Flogging Molly- If I Ever Leave this World Alive
Missy Higgins- Warm Whispers
Welp, there you have it. A random, miscellaneous list of songs I felt like listening to.
Tonight, Brian is taking me somewhere for my birthday. He has been planning this for at least two months, and I do not do well with suprises. If I know something is going to happen, I get really anxious, not in a nervous way, just in an "AAAARRRGH! Just tell me damnit!" kind of way. I can't stand it. I go just crazy. Well he seems to think that I have figured it out, and I may have, but honestly, for once I did't spend hours and hours trying to figure it out. I just want to be surprised. So we will see. All I know for sure it that I am to dress up, be ready by 5:30pm, reservations are at 7:00pm, we needed an overnight babysitter and we are going north....... Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Today is also a significant day for Le Bebe. She turns 10 months old today. The last 2 weeks, I have been clinging desperately to the fact that she was still in the single digits..... I am sure I will do that when she turns 10 years old as well.... I can not believe how quickly time has gone since I had her. My life has been on the fast track for the last 2.5 years and I am beyond ready for it to slow down. I met B, engaged, preggo, married, moved, birthed, all in 1.5 years, now I just keep super busy between being a wife, mommy, and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Its all backwards. I started on the right track, college right out of high school, but after a year and a half, I couldn't afford it, so I dropped out, and started working and moved into my own place(s). Add that to the list prior, and everything is out of order. Oh well, what can you do?
Well, this was a completely random post.
Go out and have a beautiful sunshiney day!
5.06.2010
24 and just another day....
Well, today is my 24Th birthday.
Every year it strikes me as odd that regardless of what I do or don't have planned and how good or bad the year prior was, I always have the highest of expectations for the day. Its so silly and every year I am disappointed in some way.
Why do we do that? I know I am not alone. Tell me you don't think its just going to be the most fabulous of days? No one realistically wakes up on their birthday and goes, "I just know this is going to be a shit day". Nope, people (usually) wake up with a smile on their heart, hoping someone will know that it is their special day and will do something just for them.
Now don't get me wrong, I had a lovely day. A couple of let downs, but nothing so major that I am swearing off my birthday for the next year, (Don't laugh too hard, I did that for basically 5 years running).
This year was pretty nice. Got a lot of calls, a lot of emails (read: posts on my Facebook wall) and more cards than I have received in the last 4 years combine. But there were a couple things that I just felt let down about.
I am currently, well, I guess you can say "fighting" with a couple of people whom I am especially close to. I received 2 cards from them; one for my first Mothers day and the other for my birthday. Reading the cards, I guess I should just know, but there was no "Dear Selena" or "Love you!" or even a handwritten "Happy Birthday!" It was just signed "X". It just felt so impersonal. I had cards from my work and my old pastor that were more intimate than these cards were. It hurt. It hurt more receiving them than if they hadn't sent anything at all. And someone else, whom I am pretty close to, I saw today and spoke to several times, yet, that person never once said "Happy Birthday". Oh well, I guess you cant win them all.
Here is my question. Why do we put such hope and expectation into our birthdays? We are simply setting ourselves up for disappointment, or, if not this year, possibly a bigger let down the following year.
Though I know it is just another day, I always expect more from it. If I could just approach it as if it were nothing, I couldn't be let down at all, right. Bah! I will try for this next year....
That really is asking for trouble though, huh? Oh well! Ha ha!
Have a completely normal, if not boring, regular old day. ;D
Every year it strikes me as odd that regardless of what I do or don't have planned and how good or bad the year prior was, I always have the highest of expectations for the day. Its so silly and every year I am disappointed in some way.
Why do we do that? I know I am not alone. Tell me you don't think its just going to be the most fabulous of days? No one realistically wakes up on their birthday and goes, "I just know this is going to be a shit day". Nope, people (usually) wake up with a smile on their heart, hoping someone will know that it is their special day and will do something just for them.
Now don't get me wrong, I had a lovely day. A couple of let downs, but nothing so major that I am swearing off my birthday for the next year, (Don't laugh too hard, I did that for basically 5 years running).
This year was pretty nice. Got a lot of calls, a lot of emails (read: posts on my Facebook wall) and more cards than I have received in the last 4 years combine. But there were a couple things that I just felt let down about.
I am currently, well, I guess you can say "fighting" with a couple of people whom I am especially close to. I received 2 cards from them; one for my first Mothers day and the other for my birthday. Reading the cards, I guess I should just know, but there was no "Dear Selena" or "Love you!" or even a handwritten "Happy Birthday!" It was just signed "X". It just felt so impersonal. I had cards from my work and my old pastor that were more intimate than these cards were. It hurt. It hurt more receiving them than if they hadn't sent anything at all. And someone else, whom I am pretty close to, I saw today and spoke to several times, yet, that person never once said "Happy Birthday". Oh well, I guess you cant win them all.
Here is my question. Why do we put such hope and expectation into our birthdays? We are simply setting ourselves up for disappointment, or, if not this year, possibly a bigger let down the following year.
Though I know it is just another day, I always expect more from it. If I could just approach it as if it were nothing, I couldn't be let down at all, right. Bah! I will try for this next year....
That really is asking for trouble though, huh? Oh well! Ha ha!
Have a completely normal, if not boring, regular old day. ;D
4.22.2010
One, Month, Lat-uhr
Pardon the reference to Spongebob, apparently my humor these days consists of quoting lines from movies and t.v. shows. Haha!
So, as I implied, its been a while since I last posted, and I felt it was high time for a new one. In keeping with my diet, I have lost an additional 5lbs since my last post, making it a total of 20lbs. Having been insanely busy with the show I was in, "once Upon a Mattress", I havent stuck to my diet very well, scarfing down food when I had the chance, not alway being the best choices; i.e. fast food, junk food, Red Bull (sugar free of course). Yet I still managed to lose a little.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships and body image lately. Having overheard a conversation someone had, I felt the need to engage in a touchy subject for many people dealing with obesity, weight gain, body image issues and eating disorders.
I overheard someone say that they planned to lose a large amount of weight and that, once they did, the person they had feelings for would realize hidden feelings for them. Now, this brings to mind three relationships I have had over the last 6 years. The first, I was rather thin, or, more specifically, much thinner than I am now. The second, I started out just as thin, but due to various things in my life, gain in all, 65lbs. A depressing number to me, thus being my goal to lose. The last, and present, I started out at 180 and have fluctuated (due to pregnancy) between that and 160lbs (my current weight). I want to address not the weight I gained neccesarily, but the quality of relationships that I had in this time.
The first, was, I feel, purely superficial, and not a great relationship. Nor was it bad, but I felt compared to this guys previous girlfriend a lot, who was beautiful and thin. The next, I started out thin, but quickly gained 10-20lbs in a matter of 6 months. I did not notice my weight gain, until I was several sizes larger than before. Being as my weight as a issue to me, I was greatly depressed over this, yet failed to do anything about it, and continued gaining weight. This relationship was the worst of all. Having been the second person this guy had ver dated, I was most certainly compared to his ex girlfriend on a daily basis, considering that she never went over a size 5, (as far as he told me, on several occasions). This relationship quickly lost momentum, and for a while, I believed I could "win" him back if only I lost the weight that I had gained, which by the end of the relationship, was close to 55lbs. I did not realize that, it wasn't neccesarily my weight, though I am sure that was a factor to his unattraction towards me at some point, but my attitude, and my behaviour.
THe final, and current relationship, being with my husband, Brian, has been the best of all, though, as all relationships go, we still have our issues. But not one of them comes in the form of body imagery in any way. I do not feel pressure from him about my weight, though I have fluctuated a bit in the 2 1/2 years we have been together. But the factor that is different in our relationship compared to the two previous: attitudes. Attitudes and expectations all around. Though he as well, had a thin ex-girlfriend prior to meeting me, he understood that body image is not what makes a quality relationship, and I finally understood that as well.
I no longer believe that if I became a magic number on the scale, immediately, a relationship would get better. Its the attitude that one gains from negative feelings and/or life experiences. I had to stop thinking that my weight had anything to do with the demise or success of my relationships. Women all around this world feel pressure more now than ever about gaining or loosing weight. Though, lately I have seen subtle changes in society's perception of what makes a beautiful woman, herion chic was the standard for many years.
Size 12 in 1950: Bust 30, Waist 24, Hip 33.
Size 12 in 2010: Bust 39, Waist 31, Hip 41.
What does that say about todays standard of woman? That the number on the size you wear is more important of the woman that you are?
I’d rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life. Drew Barrymore
The one noticeable similarity with almost all serial killer victims is their short height and low weight. Pat Brown
I’m fat, but I’m thin inside. …There’s a thin man inside every fat man. George Orwell
In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. Stephen Phillips
There are so many different views on weight loss/gain. Those who want to be thin advocate to be thinner, those what are thin advocate that being fat is disgusting and unhealthy, those who are overweight say that fat is beautiful, even re-wording it "curvy" or "more to love". I myself have been guilty of saying this on numerous occasions, but you know what? I realized that it simply enabled me to just brush off how unhealthy I had become.
Well, There's my thoughts for the day. Just felt the need to share.
Love and Light!!
So, as I implied, its been a while since I last posted, and I felt it was high time for a new one. In keeping with my diet, I have lost an additional 5lbs since my last post, making it a total of 20lbs. Having been insanely busy with the show I was in, "once Upon a Mattress", I havent stuck to my diet very well, scarfing down food when I had the chance, not alway being the best choices; i.e. fast food, junk food, Red Bull (sugar free of course). Yet I still managed to lose a little.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships and body image lately. Having overheard a conversation someone had, I felt the need to engage in a touchy subject for many people dealing with obesity, weight gain, body image issues and eating disorders.
I overheard someone say that they planned to lose a large amount of weight and that, once they did, the person they had feelings for would realize hidden feelings for them. Now, this brings to mind three relationships I have had over the last 6 years. The first, I was rather thin, or, more specifically, much thinner than I am now. The second, I started out just as thin, but due to various things in my life, gain in all, 65lbs. A depressing number to me, thus being my goal to lose. The last, and present, I started out at 180 and have fluctuated (due to pregnancy) between that and 160lbs (my current weight). I want to address not the weight I gained neccesarily, but the quality of relationships that I had in this time.
The first, was, I feel, purely superficial, and not a great relationship. Nor was it bad, but I felt compared to this guys previous girlfriend a lot, who was beautiful and thin. The next, I started out thin, but quickly gained 10-20lbs in a matter of 6 months. I did not notice my weight gain, until I was several sizes larger than before. Being as my weight as a issue to me, I was greatly depressed over this, yet failed to do anything about it, and continued gaining weight. This relationship was the worst of all. Having been the second person this guy had ver dated, I was most certainly compared to his ex girlfriend on a daily basis, considering that she never went over a size 5, (as far as he told me, on several occasions). This relationship quickly lost momentum, and for a while, I believed I could "win" him back if only I lost the weight that I had gained, which by the end of the relationship, was close to 55lbs. I did not realize that, it wasn't neccesarily my weight, though I am sure that was a factor to his unattraction towards me at some point, but my attitude, and my behaviour.
THe final, and current relationship, being with my husband, Brian, has been the best of all, though, as all relationships go, we still have our issues. But not one of them comes in the form of body imagery in any way. I do not feel pressure from him about my weight, though I have fluctuated a bit in the 2 1/2 years we have been together. But the factor that is different in our relationship compared to the two previous: attitudes. Attitudes and expectations all around. Though he as well, had a thin ex-girlfriend prior to meeting me, he understood that body image is not what makes a quality relationship, and I finally understood that as well.
I no longer believe that if I became a magic number on the scale, immediately, a relationship would get better. Its the attitude that one gains from negative feelings and/or life experiences. I had to stop thinking that my weight had anything to do with the demise or success of my relationships. Women all around this world feel pressure more now than ever about gaining or loosing weight. Though, lately I have seen subtle changes in society's perception of what makes a beautiful woman, herion chic was the standard for many years.
Size 12 in 1950: Bust 30, Waist 24, Hip 33.
Size 12 in 2010: Bust 39, Waist 31, Hip 41.
What does that say about todays standard of woman? That the number on the size you wear is more important of the woman that you are?
I’d rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life. Drew Barrymore
The one noticeable similarity with almost all serial killer victims is their short height and low weight. Pat Brown
I’m fat, but I’m thin inside. …There’s a thin man inside every fat man. George Orwell
In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. Stephen Phillips
There are so many different views on weight loss/gain. Those who want to be thin advocate to be thinner, those what are thin advocate that being fat is disgusting and unhealthy, those who are overweight say that fat is beautiful, even re-wording it "curvy" or "more to love". I myself have been guilty of saying this on numerous occasions, but you know what? I realized that it simply enabled me to just brush off how unhealthy I had become.
Well, There's my thoughts for the day. Just felt the need to share.
Love and Light!!
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