I never realized...

Today is probably the hardest day of the year for the Cooper household.  Today is the day, that our Little Man moves to Texas with his mother.

We have been preparing ourselves for this week for several months.  I was well aware of how hard it would be on my husband, and how I would need to be strong and hold my head high and keep our family together.  But nothing prepared me for the emotions that are running over, that ran over on Sunday, when his mom picked him up after staying with us for the last month.

Usually when I see my husband cry, even if I want/need to, my body goes into survival mode and I shut down the water system that are my eyeballs.  Not Sunday, and definitely not today.  I tried to hide behind my oversized sunglasses on Sunday, but there was nothing I could do, the tears just kept coming.  We clung desperately to that sweet little boy, trying hard to be strong for him, but we knew it was the second to last time we would see him until November when he stays here for a couple days for Thanksgiving.  Granted we may see him in September for his birthday, but all of us going is dependent upon us saving enough money and getting off of work, so if anything, my husband will be going alone.

Today, I thought that I was over bawling my eyes out, missing that little guy that I have come to love as fiercely as I do my own child, but I had no idea the ache I am feeling right now, the empty spot that is in my chest, wishing that he was still here with us, just for a few more days, turned weeks, months, and years.  I wonder how we are going to keep a strong emotional tie between us and him, one that we all feel, not just us, with thousands of miles between us.  Video chat, emails and phone calls might work for adults, but between a parent and a child??  Especially when that parent and child relationship is strongly discouraged by the other parent?

I didn't fully realize how much my heart would be breaking on this day, thinking that I would be the one holding it together for my husband.  I can not imagine what he is going through today, or what he has been going through for months, knowing that his son was going to be living so far away from him for a majority of his life.  I have tried so hard to just be strong for him, but I didn't realize how selfish I had been, still requiring him to put so much effort into our relationship to such depth that I basically was asking him to ignore his own heart and pain and focus on mine alone.  How selfish and self absorbed can I be?

I love this little boy so deeply, and sometimes its hard to remember that.  I have been fighting a current with him since we met.  I have never had to work so hard to have a child like me.  But with his mother, it has been an uphill battle since day one.  He is the sweetest, brightest and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever met in a child his age.  He tries so hard to be this grownup little man for everyone around him. He has been through so much in his young life, especially in the last year and a half, that it is so completely unfair.

Do any of you have any new ideas on how to keep our relationship alive with our little man??