I am supposed to be....

....writing a letter I promised myself I would write today.  But it is a very difficult letter, and so I am distracting my self by cyber window shopping again.....

Today I found this:

and  this

(its a diaper bag... which I really almost don't need any more.... but its super adorable!)

  And this, because it has beautiful clean, and classic lines.

And this, because I really want a new briefcase, one that holds my laptop

(This one could also be a diaper bag........)

And then I saw this.  I MUST have it.......

If you know me at all, you know my slight obsession with all things zebra.... and I am a photographer..... hmmmm......

Well I suppose this is enough procrastinating for now.... Too bad it didn't make the writers block go away.....

Age is such a great motivation

So, I realized a couple of days ago, that I will be 25 in 8 and 1/2 months.

In a moment of desperation, I made a pact with myself.  That I would not cut my hair until I had lost X amount of weight.   I am a compulsive/emotional cutter.... which sounds terrible.  I am talking about my hair however.  I am always cutting my hair for some reason or another, so I thought that it would be an excellent motivator.

It was not.  Here I am  6lbs heavier and my hair reaches the lower middle of my back........

However, I love it.

A great motivator has been 2 things: A) a photo from just post high school where I weighed 125lbs and I looked amazing. (Disclaimer: I do NOT want to be 125lbs.  It is no longer realistic in my post baby bod.  I just want to look that healthy and feel that slender feeling I used to have.)  B)The fact that I do not want to be the weight I am at 25.  25 is my start-anew age and I want to feel good about myself so I can focus on myself and my spiritual path, instead of always focusing on my appearance and constantly being self conscious.  

So, due to being deeply unhappy with myself for getting to this point and expecting more from myself, here I go.

196.

Ew.

I went window shopping again today.......

Dream roles? :-)

That is a tough one. I wish I was a learned in shows as my friends, but sadly I am not. I would love to be the Witch from Into the woods however, and Martha from Secret Garden.

I am an open book!

If you could ask George W. Bush one question what would it be?

How were you able to become our president, when you have no concept of the proper use of the English language and proper grammar?

I am an open book!

If you could go back and do high school all over again, would you? If yes, what would you do differently?

No. I believe at looking to the future. As much as there is regret in my high school experience, I would regret missing out on the lessons I have learned that have made me into the person I am today, and the beautiful gift that I was given: my daughter. <3

I am an open book!

Being broke and cyber window shopping

Sometimes I hate being a responsible adult.  If you have checks in your checkbook, they should be accepted as currency!  Just saying. :)

I went cyber window shopping today.  I hate when I do that.  Cause then I just want things.  Like this and this and, well, this too.

Seriously, I could waste hours and dollars on Etsy. It even has an adorable name!

I decided to listed to the 90's channel on the comcast Music Choice today.  Took me WAY back.  Check it out if you get a chance.  Rekindled my love for the WallFlowers.  <3

Lyrics for the moment.

Shattered Lyrics

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

Principles

Principles

Details

:::::I read this elsewhere and felt it was worth sharing:::::

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.


Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.


She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?


I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!


With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.


She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.


The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.


When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.


In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.


This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.


She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.


I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.


My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.


On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.


On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.


On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.


She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.


Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.


Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.


But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.


I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.


She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.


Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.


At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.


That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....


The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.


If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. 

Queen's Brian May podcast from NPR's Fresh Air, 8/3/10

Queen's Brian May Rocks Out To Physics, Photography : NPR

Well worth listening to.

Early morning phone calls

I woke up feeling rather grateful this morning.  I went to bed at a semi decent hour last night, and my child slept through the night and slept in till 9 am.

And then the phone began ringing.  First was from my oldest sister, needing me to send her battery charger which had been left at my daughters first birthday party at the beginning of July.  Then I made a quick phone call to my husband, asking if he had yet sent the birth certificate and enrollment forms to our health insurance for our daughter.  (I got the usual answer from him, "I was planning on doing it tonight."  I guarantee that in 2 days time, I will ask, and it will still not be done.)

While I was on the phone with him, I someone phoned in. Unsure who it was, I hung up from Brian and answered it.  It was my general practitioners office, calling to see if I had any scheduling conflicts in the next 2 weeks because they were scheduling me with an infectious specialist to get me in as soon as possible.

Now, if you are a consistent peruser of this blog, you will remember that I was in the hospital for 3 days due to a severe case of Cellulitus, a skin infection that I contracted from a bug bite or something of the sort on my right breast in the end of June, beginning of July.  I have still been what I thought until 2 weeks ago, recovering.  I was still in some pain, however, I figured it was normal.  I mean, an infection DID ravage my breast, there was bound to be some latent pain, right?  While in Kalama visiting with some of my favorite people, I went to shower and noticed a severe deformity on my breast.  It was as if the skin and tissue of my breast was being pulled inward on the side.  Considering it was a region where some of my pain was stemming from, I was naturally concerned.  However, I had an appointment with my doctor the following Monday, and while explaining the issue, and that I was still in a considerable amount of pain, he said he believed it was just draining, and gave me another prescription for antibiotics, and an order for 3 labs to be taken; a white blood cell count, chest x-ray, and a lymititer, which is a test for Lyme's disease.

Yesterday I had another appointment to discuss my results with him and check on any progress I had made.  I felt I had not made any improvement, and told him such, and while I was throwing the questions out, also asked him, if it were just draining, would I still be in such pain?  He looked at me quizzically and said, "Well, no."  Ugh!  I, not so politely asked him to just chop off my breasts.  He laughed and said we could discuss that at a later date. :D

So the results of my chest x-ray and blood count, came back just normal and fine.  However my Lymititer came back equivocal, meaning, they couldn't tell whether or not I had it.  So I scheduled another appointment and am to return back in 2 weeks and get another run of blood work, Lymititer, and chest x-ray.  

Then I received this call from my nurse.  Apparently, he decided it would be prudent for me to see an infections specialist. So now I have another barrage of tests I will have to take in order to figure out what the hell is wrong with my boob.

I would be lying if I said I was fine and chill about the whole situation, an honestly, yesterday I was, but now I am quaking on the inside.  I mean, its a bit nerve wracking.  Thinking you are fine, and then hearing your doctor think that you may not be so.  Frankly it does not help that I am in more pain today than I have been for a week or so.

Well, enough complaining for today!

Leaving Christianity/organized religion, and the current thought/rant for today.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/07/30/anne-rice-leaves-christianity/

I caught wind of this article from my friend Heidi, who had posted this on her Facebook page.

I found this relevant to my own faith.  I decidedly quit attending church some time ago, since I have not found one that I have felt was NOT a part of this blood hungry mob.  Granted, my own church that I attended as a youth, is not seemingly a part of this, however, I no longer identify myself as a Lutheran, therefore, no longer attend there.

While I am in the midst of a personal/spiritual remodel, I found this to be synonymous to my own thoughts:

 "It's simply impossible for me to ‘belong’ to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I've tried. I've failed. I'm an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else."

While there are a number of things that I refuse to get into the middle of, (which unfortunately makes me a "Lukewarm Christian",) I do have a strong stance on the fact that Christ did not build his church on Hate and Anger, He built it on Love, Forgiveness, and Patience.  When Abraham and his family were sent to Sodom and Gomorrah, God had said,

"The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know."

Abraham then said to the Lord,

"Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked?  What if there are fifty righteous people in the city?  Will you really sweep it away and not spare the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from you to do such a thing-to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?"  

Then the Lord said,

"If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake."

Abraham spoke up again:

"Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city because of the five people?"

If I find forty-five there," He said, "I will not destroy it."

This conversation between Abraham and God continued, from fifty people to ten people.

"For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it."

I believe that this passage in the Old Testament (Genesis 18:16-33) shows that the Lord is a Man of Tolerance, Love, and of Patience.  He was willing to forgive an entire city of its wrong doings, and impenitent sin if there were only ten people in the entire city, that were blameless and irreproachable.

If God can be so forgiving, and send his ONLY child, to take our sin upon his shoulders and die the ultimate death for us, corrupt, depraved, unforgiving, dishonest, meager people, then why can we not be people of tolerance, and of patience, and not of anger and hate, spite and malice?

Some of my best friends are gay, they have had abortions, they have had premarital sex, drink too much, smoke too much, drive too fast, swear like a sailor and get angry at the slightest provocation.  And they are self proclaimed Christians.

Not one of us is blameless.  There is only ONE who has ever walked this earth and been with out tarnish on his soul.  And HE died so that we can be the depraved individuals that we are.

So what is the organized Church's excuse?

A new world........... Just felt like sharing

A new world calls across the ocean
A new world calls across the sky
A new world whispers in the shadows
Time to fly, time to fly

It's about one moment
The moment before it all becomes clear
And in that one moment
You start to believe there's nothing to fear
It's about one second
And just when you're on the verge of success
The sky starts to change
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
There's no explaining where you stand
And you didn't know
That you sometimes have to go
Round an unexpected bend
And the road will end
In a new world

A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by

It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

You have a house in the hills
You have a job on the coast
You find a lover you're sure you believe in
You've got a pool in the back
You get to the part of your life
You hold the ring in your hand

But then the earthquake hits
And the bank closes in
Then you realize you didn't know anything
Nobody told you the best way to steer
When the wind starts to blow

And you're suddenly a stranger (All of a sudden)
You life is different than you planned
And you'll have to stay til you somehow find a way
To be sure of what will be
Then you might be free

A new world crashes down like thunder
A new world charging through the air
A new world just beyond the mountain
Waiting there, waiting there

A new world shattering the silence
There's a new world I'm afraid to see
A new world louder every moment
Come to me, come to me

I never realized...

Today is probably the hardest day of the year for the Cooper household.  Today is the day, that our Little Man moves to Texas with his mother.

We have been preparing ourselves for this week for several months.  I was well aware of how hard it would be on my husband, and how I would need to be strong and hold my head high and keep our family together.  But nothing prepared me for the emotions that are running over, that ran over on Sunday, when his mom picked him up after staying with us for the last month.

Usually when I see my husband cry, even if I want/need to, my body goes into survival mode and I shut down the water system that are my eyeballs.  Not Sunday, and definitely not today.  I tried to hide behind my oversized sunglasses on Sunday, but there was nothing I could do, the tears just kept coming.  We clung desperately to that sweet little boy, trying hard to be strong for him, but we knew it was the second to last time we would see him until November when he stays here for a couple days for Thanksgiving.  Granted we may see him in September for his birthday, but all of us going is dependent upon us saving enough money and getting off of work, so if anything, my husband will be going alone.

Today, I thought that I was over bawling my eyes out, missing that little guy that I have come to love as fiercely as I do my own child, but I had no idea the ache I am feeling right now, the empty spot that is in my chest, wishing that he was still here with us, just for a few more days, turned weeks, months, and years.  I wonder how we are going to keep a strong emotional tie between us and him, one that we all feel, not just us, with thousands of miles between us.  Video chat, emails and phone calls might work for adults, but between a parent and a child??  Especially when that parent and child relationship is strongly discouraged by the other parent?

I didn't fully realize how much my heart would be breaking on this day, thinking that I would be the one holding it together for my husband.  I can not imagine what he is going through today, or what he has been going through for months, knowing that his son was going to be living so far away from him for a majority of his life.  I have tried so hard to just be strong for him, but I didn't realize how selfish I had been, still requiring him to put so much effort into our relationship to such depth that I basically was asking him to ignore his own heart and pain and focus on mine alone.  How selfish and self absorbed can I be?

I love this little boy so deeply, and sometimes its hard to remember that.  I have been fighting a current with him since we met.  I have never had to work so hard to have a child like me.  But with his mother, it has been an uphill battle since day one.  He is the sweetest, brightest and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever met in a child his age.  He tries so hard to be this grownup little man for everyone around him. He has been through so much in his young life, especially in the last year and a half, that it is so completely unfair.

Do any of you have any new ideas on how to keep our relationship alive with our little man??

Sandwich in a Can: The Candwich | TakePart Social Action Network: Important Issues, Activism, Environmental, Human Rights, Political News

Sandwich in a Can: The Candwich | TakePart Social Action Network: Important Issues, Activism, Environmental, Human Rights, Political News

Missy Higgins, "Where I Stood" Lyrics.

For all my friends, guy or girl, who have had to make tough choices in relationships, choices that they regret but know is for the best.

Where I Stood lyrics

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

I am...

A mother
a child
a woman
a thinker
a wanderer
a friend
a student of life
a lover of life
a spontaneous ball of silly combustion
a random act of kindness
a random act of anger and emotional aggression
a stranger unto myself
a jerk
a germa-phobe who has a organization problem
a collector of friends
a musician
a scaredy cat
a stong companion
a fighter
a dose of reality
a bonafide weirdo
a passionate reader
an enigma to myself
beautiful
ugly
short
fat
conscientious
complicated
simple
challenging
obstinate
willing
changing
still the same
unpredictable
spontaneous
confusing
suprising
entertaining
emotional
an adventurer
a dreamer
am not what you expect

I am a woman and I am no one but me. If you can't accept all of this, than you can't have all of me.

Lessons for today.

Today, I learned something about myself: I do not like Uncontrolled Chaos.

I also learned, in the last few days, that running around, taking care of everyone and everything else, is not productive if you do not first take care of your self.  Which if you really think about it, is common knowledge/sense.  Airlines tell you to put your mask on first before assisting others, so why should day to day life be any different?

Thursday, I noticed a slight red area on, well, for lack of a more tactful way to say it, my right breast.

While at camp, I had been bit by a bug, or spider, which either way, sucks (no pun intended!).  I have never really thought about such things and needing to do more than maybe clean the bitten area with some soap and water.  Now, I have a VERY red, swollen and very painful breast.  It got so bad that I visited the ER 2 times on Friday; the 2nd time, I was admitted.  I was there from, basically, Friday night to Sunday afternoon.  I was poked and prodded and they took blood and hooked up 2 IV's more in the course of 2 days then I have in my entire life.  NOT a way to spend the weekend of my daughters first birthday party; WHICH I had to miss. NOT amazing.

I learned an important lesson however: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  Don't ignore your body.

We as women tend to ignore ourselves, health-wise, because we "just don't have time", because we are taking care of everyone and everything else around us.  If something as simple as a bug bite can basically cripple you, than think about something "more serious" and how that could knock you down and put you in the hospital or worse!

Well, thats really all I have for now.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!!!

No. I am not kidding. I wish I was.

Seriously???

If you are a die hard vampire fan, and wish to live a vampiric (sp??) lifestyle, then click here and here.


What the eff? What is this world coming too???????