Lyrics for the moment.

Shattered Lyrics

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

Principles

Principles

Details

:::::I read this elsewhere and felt it was worth sharing:::::

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.


Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.


She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?


I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!


With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.


She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.


The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.


When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.


In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.


This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.


She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.


I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.


My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.


On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.


On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.


On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.


She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.


Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.


Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.


But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.


I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.


She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.


Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.


At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.


That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....


The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.


If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. 

Queen's Brian May podcast from NPR's Fresh Air, 8/3/10

Queen's Brian May Rocks Out To Physics, Photography : NPR

Well worth listening to.

Early morning phone calls

I woke up feeling rather grateful this morning.  I went to bed at a semi decent hour last night, and my child slept through the night and slept in till 9 am.

And then the phone began ringing.  First was from my oldest sister, needing me to send her battery charger which had been left at my daughters first birthday party at the beginning of July.  Then I made a quick phone call to my husband, asking if he had yet sent the birth certificate and enrollment forms to our health insurance for our daughter.  (I got the usual answer from him, "I was planning on doing it tonight."  I guarantee that in 2 days time, I will ask, and it will still not be done.)

While I was on the phone with him, I someone phoned in. Unsure who it was, I hung up from Brian and answered it.  It was my general practitioners office, calling to see if I had any scheduling conflicts in the next 2 weeks because they were scheduling me with an infectious specialist to get me in as soon as possible.

Now, if you are a consistent peruser of this blog, you will remember that I was in the hospital for 3 days due to a severe case of Cellulitus, a skin infection that I contracted from a bug bite or something of the sort on my right breast in the end of June, beginning of July.  I have still been what I thought until 2 weeks ago, recovering.  I was still in some pain, however, I figured it was normal.  I mean, an infection DID ravage my breast, there was bound to be some latent pain, right?  While in Kalama visiting with some of my favorite people, I went to shower and noticed a severe deformity on my breast.  It was as if the skin and tissue of my breast was being pulled inward on the side.  Considering it was a region where some of my pain was stemming from, I was naturally concerned.  However, I had an appointment with my doctor the following Monday, and while explaining the issue, and that I was still in a considerable amount of pain, he said he believed it was just draining, and gave me another prescription for antibiotics, and an order for 3 labs to be taken; a white blood cell count, chest x-ray, and a lymititer, which is a test for Lyme's disease.

Yesterday I had another appointment to discuss my results with him and check on any progress I had made.  I felt I had not made any improvement, and told him such, and while I was throwing the questions out, also asked him, if it were just draining, would I still be in such pain?  He looked at me quizzically and said, "Well, no."  Ugh!  I, not so politely asked him to just chop off my breasts.  He laughed and said we could discuss that at a later date. :D

So the results of my chest x-ray and blood count, came back just normal and fine.  However my Lymititer came back equivocal, meaning, they couldn't tell whether or not I had it.  So I scheduled another appointment and am to return back in 2 weeks and get another run of blood work, Lymititer, and chest x-ray.  

Then I received this call from my nurse.  Apparently, he decided it would be prudent for me to see an infections specialist. So now I have another barrage of tests I will have to take in order to figure out what the hell is wrong with my boob.

I would be lying if I said I was fine and chill about the whole situation, an honestly, yesterday I was, but now I am quaking on the inside.  I mean, its a bit nerve wracking.  Thinking you are fine, and then hearing your doctor think that you may not be so.  Frankly it does not help that I am in more pain today than I have been for a week or so.

Well, enough complaining for today!